Ughh..don't trust 'em stairs, they're always up to something
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unrealhumour
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Standing in a lake in Africa.

I told my friend I was standing in a lake in Africa. He exclaimed to em "no you're not, your in de-Nile!" sorry all.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dkkgaming
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My food truck idea

Food truck with eggs being the theme in every dish.

"The Poach Coach"

Popular dishes:

  1. Eggs Been a Dick (2 poached eggs and 1 average but adequate size sausage)
  2. Omelette that one slide (you're choice of filling, but don't fucking test me)
  3. The Dwight Yolk Em' (served in a plastic cowboy hat to go. Must eat while walking the streets of Bakersfield) 4.The Mr. Burns Eggcellent Scramble (smithered with cheese)
  4. The Quiche a Grey (oralgasmic quiche with a money shot of sausage gravy)
  5. The John Denver Omelette (full of all kinds of shit)
  6. Jesus'ed egg (basically a deviled egg only more judgmental and boiled in holy water)
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibombs85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what they say...

Neighbors: You can't live with 'em...

(That's why they're called neighbors.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/exit_stageright
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.

"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."

The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alphaw0lf212
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Joke my dad told yesterday

Dad: points to cemetery we're passing at night how many folks you think are dead out there?

Me: Dunno, maybe 2,000?

Dad: No. All of 'em

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/suckmybaconplease
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was in work the other week.....

We were put onto maintenance detail whilst the line was down, so I’m given a set of overalls to wear. After I threw β€˜em on I was asked β€œhow are they for you mate?” I paused and saw my opportunity to prove my β€˜dadness’ and replied β€œoverall they’re pretty good!” Cue all the groans from the 15 lads! Yes, nailed it!!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenko_85
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back…

"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."

"Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Got a twofer on the wife today.

Driving into work, we see a vehicle with stickers for oars/boats on it placed in a horizontal manner.

Wife: "Looks like that guy likes to row."

Me: "Huh. I prefer columns myself."

Wife: (groan) "So, you like to column?"

Me: "Yeah, on the phone. I leave a message if I can't get a hold of 'em."

Wife: (GROAN) "You're the worst...but I love you."

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zero44
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
🚨︎ report
My all time favorite

Is when someone has taken their car into the shop and then they tell me they're going to pick it up.

Give 'em the old down-and-up look and say "Funny, you don't look that strong"

Fall about laughing, etc

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/L1ttl3J1m
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Sleep-Deprivation Fueled Pun War

My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:

L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O

B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.

L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.

B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!

L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.

B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...

L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.

B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.

L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.

B: Bull!

L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...

B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.

L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.

B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.

L: I know when I'm getting creamed.

B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.

L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.

B: And I just keep churning 'em out...

L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.

B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!

L: I thought I might've butchered it...

B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...

L: Well done, well done...

B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.

L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.

B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...

L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p

B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.

L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.

B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.

L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guerrilla154
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Noticed some construction workers putting the roof up on a new house...

A couple friends walked up to me...

"Guys you'll never guess what I just saw, it was crazy!"

"What?"

"I caught those construction workers partying really hard just a second ago"

"What? No way, really?!"

"Yeah, look at em. They're raising the roof.'

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrStrangeway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Got the wife at the supermarket.

We were walking through produce and as we're passing by the fruit she sees some clementines and says "Clementines are yummy, I just wanna eat em!" To which I replied "Clementine will remember this."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rakugi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
My nephew tattled on my dad...

"I was showing Granddad my ocelot [toy], but he said it was so small, I should call it an ocelittle!" That's right Dad, get 'em while they're young...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akumite
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Clam Chowder

Clam chowder makes 'em louder makes em sound like blastin' powder!

My dad used to respond with this all the time when we, as kids, would chant the 'beans beans they're magical fruit' rhyme.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crackofdawn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.