I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank.

It was my entire life savings,

πŸ‘︎ 755
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.

It's what he would've wanted.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogue-_-robot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Food preservers do it when they can
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πŸ‘€︎ u/who_body
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I like to advertise my homemade fruit preserves at clubs.

Whenever a song comes on, I’ll hold up a jar and say, β€œThis is my jam!”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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We preserve objects very well these days.

Soon, artefacts may just become a thing of the past.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artifcial_autism
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Did you hear about the musician making a song about preserves?

He says it's his currant jam.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObjectionPW
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Sticky situation
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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This joke is worth preserving
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arbitrary_Bastion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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I spent all day preserving the fruit of my garden. You could say it was a jam packed day.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Creditcard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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Why does fruit not like preserving ?

The process is jarring

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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You know, not everyone can preserve perishable goods inside metallic containers

But I can!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thattransgal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I preserved this for you guys
πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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I don’t understand people who preserve four leaf clovers...

They’re really pressing their luck.

Edit: Thank you very much for the unexpected medal!

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I got fruit preserves on my finger.

Doctor said it was jammed

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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I sometimes gets startled when I make preserves

Its jarring

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesaurususaurus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I live in the old city of Pompeii

I suppose you could say my life is in ruins

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFirstBobEver
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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What did the bachelorette say to the DJ who was trying to steal her strawberry preserves?

"This is my jam!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomaYoga
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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How do you preserve a baby sheep?

With laminate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lost_if_found
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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TIL that Cards Against Humanity joked that they could buy an island with the money they donate to charity, so they bought an island in Maine to preserve wildlife. They named it β€˜Hawaii 2’ because β€œit’s on the Maine land.” connecticut.cbslocal.com/…
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Spicy_Tuna69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Did you hear the new song created using only jars of preserves?

It's a slow jam.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Infinite_one
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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Raspberry preserves

That's my jam.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Heard the song about preserved strawberries?

It's my jam these days.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb_ravenclaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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My friend was like, I didn't know you were into preserving fruit

And I was like yeah, that's totally my jam

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ehtBlackberry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo…

All the other paintball players started freaking out though…

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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90s Eurodance group Technotronic recently bought a factory that manufactures all types of fruit preserves

However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs.

After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution.

They decided to Pump Up The Jam.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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My wife asked me to remove the lid from a jar of preserves. I tried but...

It was jammed.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigfoot13442
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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What do you use to preserve a dead animal you don't really care about?

Casualdehyde

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ask-a-physicist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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Found an old box of Tic Tacs under the bed from 1997 and I amazed at how well preserved they were.

They were in mint condition.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NegativePrimitive
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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I think it would be awesome to own a store where I sold home made jellies, jams, and preserves.

Someone would ask me for a recommendation. Then I'd grab a jar from a shelf and say "This one right here is my jam."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkychickpea
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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This is nuts!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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I'm going to crush and preserve some strawberries with the Red Hot Chili Peppers later on today...

We're having a jam session.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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What do you call a store that sells fruit preserves?

A jellycatessen

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_of_Few
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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Hey kids, I am going to name every coral reef in the ocean 'Keanu!"

That way they will be preserved, because everyone loves Keanu reeves!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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I enjoy canning fruit.

Food preservation is my jam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtowers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I've been perserving some jokes over the past few years.

I call it canned laughter.

EDIT: Whoops I meant to type preserving

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumpnog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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Why can’t we keep information on bicycle pedals?

Because we don’t wants to preserve pedal files.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemDems44
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Puns I only wish I could think of.

I got two. This was at a wildlife preserve while my family and I were visiting Alaska.

  1. SCENE: Lynx exhibit. WILDLIFE PRESERVER: "And these are our 2 lynx, we found them as kittens and they have always lived here." DAD: "They're lynx, huh? So where do they take me if I click on them?"

Aftermath: She didn't get it.

  1. SCENE: Moose area. DAD: "What do you do if a bear charges you?" FAMILY: "Wave our arms and shout at it." DAD: "And what do you do if a moose charges you?" FAMILY: "uhh..." DAD: "You give him your credit card!"

Aftermath: The sound of 3 hand smacking their foreheads.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Space_Bungalow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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I was making my daughter a sandwich and asked her what kind she wanted...

"We can do peanut butter with either peach preserves or honey," I told her.

"Honey, please!"

"That's fine," I thought, "the peach preserves are my jam anyway."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetsGetCrunchy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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Ex-wife died eating home-made jam.

I'd say she got what she preserved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/codenamegary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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As a disabled dad, playing the guitar, being picked up for the gig....my son asks, β€œyou going to jam”

And I reply, β€œit’s more of a preserve, than a jam.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameItTrashIt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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Dad joked my friend

My friend said he wanted the squirt gun that shoots jelly from the island of misfit toys. I told him it would probably jam a lot and asked him if it was standard issue for the US Army Preserves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirBrentsworth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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A short story

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scshunt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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My grandpa was the greatest jokester.

Back in April, me and the young men &a women of my family helped move my grandparents out their house, a house they had lived in for almost 45 years, into a small, 1-bedroom add-on to my uncles land.

Now, my grandpa had been a Baptist pastor for 47 years (now retired) and he was always quick on wit.

Well, as we were moving out the garage. My brother noticed something glued to the ground by some kind of resin. A piece of paper, looked almost 30 years old. We found out it was a sermon that my grandpa had preached way, way back in the day. And someone had spilled some kind of oil and that had gotten stuck to it and preserved it over the years. We brought my very frail grandpa out into the garage and told him what it was. He stared at it for about 5 seconds and said "Well, I guess that's one of my sermons that stuck!"

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibelieveinfairies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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I was recently burgled...

They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank.

It was my entire life savings.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanixATK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you preserve a sheep.....?

....you lamb-inate it....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report

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