If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
π︎ 554
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
I know these puns and the sub they came from deserve to be huckleburied in an unmarked grave. But please grant me Clemensy.
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Please dont call us grammar nazis
We prefer the term "alt-write"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
My mom, ordering at a restaurant: Iβll have the chefβs salad, please.
Dad: Honey, thatβs a little rude. Just have your own.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
I admit itβs a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
π︎ 67
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Oh no please
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
First time posting here, please be lentil.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Iβd like to stay for two Knights please.
π︎ 35
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︎ Mar 08 2021
I have a picture with me standing and solar panels in the background. Please suggest something punny.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
A man took a bullet to the face in a shooting last week. If anyone has any information please call city police.
The only thing they have to go on is the mug shot.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 24 2021
Yall my friends hate puns and i wanna make fun of their nicknames please help
Their nicknames are: Brat, Soap and tali
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, βA beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
Waiter, I'll have the omelette please.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 19 2021
My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!
Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke itβs leg?
Gingersnap
Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookiesβ drawings?
Snickerdoodle
Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakeryβs reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?
Shortbread
Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?
Angel food
Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?
Peach cobbler
Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?
Baked Alaska
Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?
German chocolate
Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?
Lemon bars
Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?
Fondant
Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?
Sherbet
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Dad, please... stop.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
π︎ 381
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinals
It makes them soggy and hard to light
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
Blood and Organ related puns please
So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and Iβm trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and Iβll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like βbloody good luckβ or βsorry youβre transplantingβ... but less shitty!
Thanks in advance :)
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Please just take my money you deserve it
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her Iβve been trying to find them for three days, she said βplease I need to seeβ
I said yeah me too thatβs why Iβm looking for my glasses
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Please practise safe aural sex.
You don't want hearing aids.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Please Help Me Out Here
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Dr please
π︎ 44
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
An ounce of quack please.
π︎ 76
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
Please destroy me for this monster ive created
π︎ 744
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
Batman: βAlfred, please fill up the bathtubβ
Alfred: βSir? Whatβs a htub β
π︎ 53
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
One Shark bucks latte please
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
Please help
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
Hey, don't go spoil Cyberpunk 2077 please.
I haven't played 1-2076 yet.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
Watch your grammar please!
The double negative is a complete no no!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
A βdivineβ healer in his βmiracleβ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 06 2020
My four year old has been learning Spanish for a year, and he still canβt say βpleaseβ
I think thatβs poor for four
π︎ 179
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
My 4 year old son has been learning spanish all year and he still canβt say the word please.
Which i think is poor for four
π︎ 551
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
My four year old has been learning Spanish and still canβt say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
My Spanish friends little boy still can't say please....
And I think it's poor for four.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
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