Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grunzi6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.

Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Chinese are building all sorts of new educational camps with invigorating physical exercise for Uigher citizens.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an ideology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urlordcov
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Physical dad jokes
  • Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
  • Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
  • Intentionally missing a high five.
  • Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
  • Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did people stop going to physical media distributors?

>!Cause it was a CD place!!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terectec
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Man goes to a doctor for a physical

Man tells doctor not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

Doctor says β€œwow! How do your pants fit?”

Man: β€œLike a glove”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺWe agreed to start greeting each other without making physical contact...‬

Then we shook on it.‬

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a physical and my doctor said, "don't eat anything fatty". I said like "bacon and cheeseburgers ?"

He said "No, fatty, don't eat anything!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the word for 'Conducive to or suggestive of good health and physical well-being'?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agarwalkunal12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sturdy Chinese vessel in the physical plane?

A good real asian ship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kie723
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
So I had a physical the other day

After the checkup, my doctor recommended I up my coffee intake to two pots a day, eat more saturated fats, and start smoking.

I'm beginning to suspect he knows about me and his wife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/42words
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Math Teachers should make all of their story problems about physical exercise.

The answers would always work out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My favorite puns are the ones that involve physical harm (ie Hertz Donut)

I guess you could say I like being punished

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jriggs97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a patient that handles their physical therapy like it’s a cake walk?

A PT Cruiser

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
While all physical labor jobs are hard on your body...

...Coal miners really get the shaft.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Androidsunrise
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was getting a physical and I told the doctor "No need to be worried but I have five penises.

"Five penises!!" he said "How do your trousers fit"

"Like a glove" I said

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joseph220307
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book β€œHow to Hug” from the library.

Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my doctor not to test my reflexes when I went to get my last physical.

I didn’t want to have a knee-jerk reaction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YinYangMojo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter is at a seminar learning to instruct physical conditioning programs to locomotive passengers

It's called train training training training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-jako
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
In Ideological and physical thinking, being anal rentitive and not giving a shit both mean the same thing in two different realms.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shum_Dit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Sitting in a office with no physical windows, my mate says to me β€œIt would be great to have some windows in this office”

I said, β€œWe already have Windows here in the office as I point to my computer screen”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MARKHENRY88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to the Dr. today for my annual physical.

He must not have slept much last night because he was feeling a little teste.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JT078
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I invented a device that can detect physical violence

It runs on a watch battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I recently had surgery on my knee and have been going to physical therapy every week.

It’s pivotal to my recovery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rosedj1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Best secret way to keep your physical therapy a secret?

Well, it's always best to be just Loki unless you're just too Thor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Dads have some pretty good physical jokes, too.

http://i.imgur.com/BWAHZzK.gif

From /r/gifs, here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kongo204
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Sister Mary Margaret went to the doctor for her early physical

Sister Mary Margaret went to the doctor for her early physical. The doctor said "alright, I'll need you to take off your habit and stand in your underwear."

The sister took off her habit and stood in her underwear before the doc. He started to examine her and saw lettuce sticking out of her underwear.

"Sister, you have lettuce sticking out of your underwear. That doesn't look good for your exam."

She replied "that's just the tip if the Iceberg."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFoxpoint
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
🚨︎ report
My Dad Showing Off Both his Mental and Physical Reflexes

Last night, my dad was opening his mail. As he opens one of the envelopes, out falls a check. Quickly, he bobbles it for a split second, then grabs it before it falls on the floor. I saw this happen and chuckled. My dad looks at me and goes, "Phew, I thought for a second that the check was going to bounce."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boothroyd917
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
🚨︎ report
I think I may have caused her actual physical pain.

A friend and I were in New Orleans and there were some hipsters listening to rap. She commented that she had not seen that often, and I said "What, Hip-Hopsters?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paranatural
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My Physical Chemistry professor dadjoked the entire class today.

So he's lecturing about the Schrodinger equations and rotational motion of particles, and how it could be easier to find a solution to the equation if the spherical coordinate system was used. He explains how the system works, and then says while clicking to the next powerpoint slide:

"Let's look at a real world example."

Cue a picture of a satellite image of Earth on the next slide and groans from all of the class.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hitmonleeroy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
I just had a physical, the doctor said β€œdon’t eat anything fatty”

I said β€œlike bacon and burgers?”

He said β€œno fatty, don’t eat anything!”

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/call8212
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible!” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie...” he says. β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible." the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie...” he says. β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
MAN GOES TO DOCTOR FOR A PHYSICAL. TELLS HIM NOT TO BE ALARMED. I HAVE FIVE PENISES.

Doctor: How does it fit in your pants?

Man: Like a glove.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Omega5411
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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