You might be worried about overeating while you’re quarantined, but it’s better than risking the spread of disease. So don’t worry...

It will be worth the weight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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At least he won't turn over in his grave.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainbowarriorhere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...

....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_wanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 788
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMMOPOWER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best

I won.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spwf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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A clumsy employee knocked over his boss’s coffee cans and wasted all his coffee.

It was grounds for dismissal!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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It carried over into real life, too!
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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What do you call an overly emotive tree with a speech impediment?

Twee

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peakdistrikt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...

It’s my retirement hedge fund.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...

Always trying to get the symphony vote.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T33NW01F
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?

He said it was because I committed a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 376
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
my crush came over to play with legos

it was a good way to build a relationship

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.

You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"

They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.

Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCKANNON
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..

.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.

(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plantborb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Pulled over

(my first attempt, please have mercy)

Cop: Sir I need you to blow in this breathalyzer.
Driver: I can't, I'm an asthmatic

Cop: Then I need to do a blood draw.
Driver: I can't, I'm an hemophiliac

Cop: then I need to ask you to step out of the vehicle and walk in a straight line
Driver: I can't, I'm drunk.

Ok, I leave now....

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olivewa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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Met a beautiful girl over Spring Break in Mexico, but she constantly talked about the end of the world.

She had Acapulco-lips.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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What did the teeny tiny blanket have over the large quilt?

It was Microsoft.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodHippo9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?

A stamp

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmic_Fox_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Me: Son, that Scarecrow over there is the best you can get. Son: How do you know that?

Me: Because he’s out standing in his field.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cigarandcreamsoda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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I keep reading The Lord of the Rings over and over again and I can't stop.

I guess it is just a force of Hobbit

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eater-of-Tacos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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My wife said that the steak was over-seasoned

But she says that a lot, so take it with a grain of salt.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramiel01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.

She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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Why Do Seagulls Fly Over The Sea?

Because If They Flew Over The Bay They Would Be Bagels...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingafer81
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market.

I should have bought asparagus.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Over 100 years ago 2 brothers announced that they could fly.

Turns out, they were Wright.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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My chickens escaped and over my yard...

I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Will-It-Fit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I know over 100 languages

I just can't speak them

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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A bus carrying tourists headed to see Elvis Presley’s Graceland has over turned. No one was injured

But they were all shook up.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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I swear, I put it down right over there!
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoseChavezyChavez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Coronavirus is now all over the world

But China got it right off the bat.

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Said_It_in_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I tripped over my wife's bra

It was a booby trap

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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In these challenging times, I worry about the virus and keeping a roof over my head.

So I went and got the shingles vaccine.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reedandsue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor

The Czech is in the mail.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.

Doctors say he is in stable condition.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgsalinger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What does the mother brush say to her overly excited kids ?

Comb down

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeetMyPeePee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.

It was a evil idea in Heinz- sight.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you see when a duck bends over?

A butt quack.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notmyrealname336
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers"

I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.

That's just not how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower

crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"

She said "he's just going through a rough patch".

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.

My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"

She then left the room, cackling.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieltkessler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend was grating parmesan cheese over pasta and said the cheese looked like a polygon.

I said, "Well, if you keep grating it, soon it will be all gone."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/centstwo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor leaning over a patient who is slowly falling asleep due to anesthetic
  • No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. It’s an easy procedure.

  • But doctor, I’m not Steve!!

  • I know, I am Steve.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arv1do
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report

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