You might be worried about overeating while you’re quarantined, but it’s better than risking the spread of disease. So don’t worry...
It will be worth the weight.
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
A clumsy employee knocked over his boss’s coffee cans and wasted all his coffee.
It was grounds for dismissal!
It carried over into real life, too!
What do you call an overly emotive tree with a speech impediment?
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
my crush came over to play with legos
it was a good way to build a relationship
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..
.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.
(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).
Pulled over
(my first attempt, please have mercy)
Cop: Sir I need you to blow in this breathalyzer.
Driver: I can't, I'm an asthmatic
Cop: Then I need to do a blood draw.
Driver: I can't, I'm an hemophiliac
Cop: then I need to ask you to step out of the vehicle and walk in a straight line
Driver: I can't, I'm drunk.
Ok, I leave now....
Met a beautiful girl over Spring Break in Mexico, but she constantly talked about the end of the world.
What did the teeny tiny blanket have over the large quilt?
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
Me: Son, that Scarecrow over there is the best you can get. Son: How do you know that?
Me: Because he’s out standing in his field.
I keep reading The Lord of the Rings over and over again and I can't stop.
I guess it is just a force of Hobbit
My wife said that the steak was over-seasoned
But she says that a lot, so take it with a grain of salt.
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
Why Do Seagulls Fly Over The Sea?
Because If They Flew Over The Bay They Would Be Bagels...
I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market.
I should have bought asparagus.
Over 100 years ago 2 brothers announced that they could fly.
Turns out, they were Wright.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
I know over 100 languages
A bus carrying tourists headed to see Elvis Presley’s Graceland has over turned. No one was injured
But they were all shook up.
I swear, I put it down right over there!
Coronavirus is now all over the world
But China got it right off the bat.
I tripped over my wife's bra
In these challenging times, I worry about the virus and keeping a roof over my head.
So I went and got the shingles vaccine.
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor
The Czech is in the mail.
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.
Doctors say he is in stable condition.
What does the mother brush say to her overly excited kids ?
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.
It was a evil idea in Heinz- sight.
What do you see when a duck bends over?
A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers"
I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.
That's just not how I roll.
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch".
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
A friend was grating parmesan cheese over pasta and said the cheese looked like a polygon.
I said, "Well, if you keep grating it, soon it will be all gone."
Doctor leaning over a patient who is slowly falling asleep due to anesthetic
-
No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. It’s an easy procedure.
-
But doctor, I’m not Steve!!
-
I know, I am Steve.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.
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