A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:

The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elouan_lrch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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I was shocked to see the reveal that Kylo Ren was not an only child...

...he was a Solo Child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKoke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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As an only child who is male, I should have been named...

Solomon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neverwastetheday
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Is this your only child?

Dad: I think so.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Did you know that the inventor of the urinal was only a child?

He was a real wizz kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karibil_Watar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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My parents really tried hard to raise me as an only child

Which annoyed my brother no end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emerty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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As an only child, I just told my dad "Thanks for being a good father"

"Thanks, it's my first time"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Training for dad level jokes.

My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.

Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.

At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackybeau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter...

My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice.

Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist."

My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.

πŸ‘︎ 690
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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A guy calls 911 in a panic.

β€œMy wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!”

β€œCalm down,” the 911 operator says. β€œIs this her first child?”

β€œNo, you idiot!” the guy shouts. β€œThis is her husband!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihilman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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Dad: Is that a pear?

*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.

Child: Yea...

Dad: Then why's there only one?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RAconsensualPE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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You can tell when Dad's don't make the same mistake more than once when...

...they only have one child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaskedForGas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.

Probably why I’m the only child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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Child: "Dad, what do they make at a munitions factory?"

Dad: "Ammunition β€” but only in the morning." Child: "What do they make in the afternoon, then?" Dad: "Pmmunition!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muzer0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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It takes an entire village to raise a single child

however, it only takes one pyromaniac child to raze an entire village

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoTheHoe2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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Here are some good ones

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"


At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"


Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"


Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"


A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face


A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts


"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"


Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"


Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs


A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"


"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Mutant
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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Writing a book

A man is writing a book, and wants his friend's opinion on it.

The man begins to read aloud "it was the time of the year when storms can take hold of a house within seconds. A small family is preparing their house, when a wail is heard in the distance.

'Father,' began the child 'will we survive the storms?'

'Only time will tell' said the worried father.

Suddenly, a massive wind picks up and nearly blows the house down. The family barely survives".

The man asks "what do you think so far?"

The friend replies "i think you went into the action too quickly. I hardly have a vested interest. I think it needs work"

The man simply says "but it's only the first draft."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2015
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Nursing these jokes

Since my wife has been breastfeeding our third child, it's occurred to me, this is the only situation in which she's ever looked forward to a let-down.

She's also been expressing herself quite well.

Yes, I've been milking this for all it's worth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AVeryCredibleHulk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
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Dadjoked my SO.

(I was looking for a belt)

SO- Where's your black belt?

Me-I don't have a black belt, I only got to Orange belt 3rd degree.

SO- Shakes head

Me- Laughs to myself.

I was in Karate when I was a child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/so2fny
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
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Some bad dad jokes about Europe (very bad)

Germany has to be one of the smelliest countrys in Europe

-Its so bad they have a town called Cologne

Did you know France has a sibling that had a child?

-Neither did I but its the only explanation for Nice

Poland has this uncanny habit of not finishing its stories

-Warsaw what?

Belgium loves its greens

-City named Brussels gives it away

Everytime i tell anyone of these I need to laugh as the absolute cringe my girlfriend makes and then laugh through the pain of her hitting me whilst saying "Its just not funny".

Personally I love them and I thought i would share them with you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXxXREMNANTXxXx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
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I think that something is coming between us

My girlfriend who is 9 months pregnant looks at me in the shower today and says to me....I think there's something coming between us

Only took her to the 3rd child to make dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Driddle07
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2016
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Wood Float

So when I was younger my Dad would sometimes make me a root beer float/ice cream float/coke float/etc. But one day my Dad asks me, "Hey do you want a wood float?" I'm not exactly sure what a wood float is, but my experiences with floats in general have gone AMAZINGLY well through this point in my life. So I say yes without giving it too much thought. My Dad brings me a glass of water with a toothpick in it. Enormous grin on his face. Very much the opposite on mine.

I now realize at the age of 26, that the only reason he ever made me the root beer floats and other floats, was just to set me up for one of the Daddest jokes of all time.

Having said that, I will be using this on my child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guinos66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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Dad joked on family movie night

this was years ago, I had forgotten until it came up in conversation today. when Finding Nemo came out on DVD most of us hadn't seen it, and my oldest sister was home from her first year in college. my mom gets all excited to have a Disney movie night for old time's sake and makes a big deal about it.

so we all get settled with popcorn and all, and the movie begins. if you haven't seen it, the first scene is a bit tragic... to refresh people's memory, a barracuda attacks the soon-to-be parents and eats the mom and unhatched eggs. this is probably less than 5 minutes into the movie.

it's dead quiet in the house as Marlin swims around yelling for his mate and looking in the now empty spot where their eggs were hidden. He sees the lone surviving egg on the ocean floor and swims to it. honoring his deceased mate's wishes, he names his only child "Nemo"

instantly my dad stands up, turns off the TV and says "Ha! I found him! that was fun." and walks away.

tl;dr: my dad beat the whole family in a game of "Finding Nemo"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjswitz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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Phil Dunphy...

β€œYou only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child because it’s easy to do. β€˜Save the giblets’”

β€” Phil Dunphy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weymoa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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Issues with friend moving in.

Not an actual told by dad joke, but it was definitely along those lines. So, Skyping with SO and friend from Canada, and SO and I are talking about moving in together and finding an apartment. I made the suggestion that my best friend move in with us, the following conversation ensues.

Me: The only issue I have with her moving in is... Oliver.

Friend: Uh...

SO: Friend has child.

F: Oh. I thought the only issue you had with her was all of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scchvb01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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I am currently student teaching at a middle school, my cooperating teacher is a walking dad joke machine.

A group of fifth graders are visiting our school he asks the kids "Hey did Mr. O(5th grade music teacher) ever tell you we went to college. It was me him and Abraham Lincoln in class"

One of his favorites "What side of the dog has the most fur?" "The Outside"

Whenever a kid asks "Can I go to the bathroom?" He always answers with "Only a Dr. Can tell you that." He does is so much that when A child says may I go to the bathroom he still does it without thinking. Most students stopped asking to go to the bathroom or ask me.

Its been a great few months of these, I'll add more to the comments as I think of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barryd406
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Dadjoked on Graduation day.

Background: It was overcast that day and I'm an only child.

Mum: I hope the sun comes out today.

Dad: There is no son, only daughter.

Mum: ...

I was silently dying in the other room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/torresfanatic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
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It takes a village to raise a child...

But only a child to raze a village.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xypok
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2015
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