I keep forgetting the guitar tabs to that one Sublime song...
I guess you could say I dont practice Santeria.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
π︎ 6k
π
︎ May 07 2021
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
I just found out the Mortal Kombat theme was based on something old
π︎ 997
π
︎ May 12 2021
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
π︎ 873
π
︎ May 01 2021
I switched all the labels on my wifeβs spice rack
She doesnβt know it yet, but her thymeβs cumin
π︎ 328
π
︎ May 01 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
And on that note
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 11 2021
originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I overdosed on viagra the other day
It was the hardest day of my life
π︎ 648
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
so I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
π︎ 595
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you even see it.
π︎ 165
π
︎ May 03 2021
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
π︎ 257
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
I told my wife, βFrom here on, Iβm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order.β
She said, βWhere will you find the time?β
Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.
π︎ 139
π
︎ May 05 2021
This chicken is sublime
π︎ 494
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 05 2021
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, whatβs on the outside?
π︎ 914
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Business at the bakery is on the rise
π︎ 47
π
︎ May 02 2021
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 01 2021
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
My Bluetooth speaker wasnβt working so I threw it into the lake.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 11 2021
Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
What happens to you if you pee on the floor?
π︎ 70
π
︎ May 08 2021
Emphasis on laundry rotation
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
To the person who stole my MS Office License.
I will find you. You have my Word.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 03 2021
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, βWhatβs the word on the street?β
π︎ 38
π
︎ May 04 2021
The air in this glass is sublime
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jul 12 2019
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
π︎ 52
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
How does a dart board on the ceiling make you sick?
π︎ 140
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I just recently swapped all the labels on my wife's spice rack.
She hasn't noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...
The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.
π︎ 56
π
︎ May 03 2021
Whenever my artistic girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body....
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 10k
π
︎ May 05 2021
Letting it rip on the drives
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 09 2021
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself in the thigh.
Doc: Your finger is broken.
π︎ 29
π
︎ May 12 2021
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 07 2021
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
I knocked on the fridge door before I opened it .
I could hear the salad dressing.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 04 2021
I guess you can say Santa gives kids gifts... ON THE HOUSE
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 01 2021
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on itβs way to work?β
π︎ 511
π
︎ May 04 2021
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