Nut roll Puns

AWOL nut.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi

So my daughter is in Girl Scouts. Everybody knows that the Girl Scouts sell cookies, but they also sell chocolates, nuts, and other snack food. Since we have only one car and a large garage we usually volunteer as a cupboard. Basically we get a few pallets of stuff and the area troops pick up from our place.

Me: [stopping mid pulling into the garage] What is that?!

Wife: [concerned] What is it?

Me: [shaking my head] That is nuts!

Wife: [eyes roll] Really?

Me: [laughing uncontrollably]

My son didn’t laugh either.

We were walking and eating a quick pre-workout snack when she said "well I guess that nut goes to the birds then" because she dropped a cashew she was about to eat.

I looked at her and asked "so would you call that a cashew-alty?"

She rolled her eyes and kept while I had to stop from laughing to much.

Coming up with pastry puns is easy as pie. Seriously, it's a cakewalk. Carrots and nuts can loaf around but figs are barred. I'm on a roll here, but I gotta stop, turnover a new leaf. One cannoli hope. Scone be pretty hard, dough.

Whenever the kids on our block are out playing, my dad stops the car, rolls down the window, and says:

"Hey, they're looking for ya.."

pondering pause

"Who..?"

"The squirrels they think your nuts!"

Last night my dad, brother-in-law, and myself were discussing shop stuff, I was raised on a farm but never really got into the nuts and bolts of farming, machinery, etc. I was trying to name something common in engineering parlance and couldn't quite come up with it. My brother-in-law was also raised on a farm and is big into that sort of stuff, and this line of dialogue ensued:

Dad: "You need to go to engineering school"

Me: "What engineering school did you go to?"

Dad: "H.K."

Me: "What school is that?"

Dad: "Hard Knocks"

Me: rolls eyes