Just grab the first pun I can find on my phone for cake day, hope you're not disappointed.
Why should you not start playing sports for money before you turn 20?
That way, you do not risk being eaten as a pro teen.
What do you call a film maker who is not allowed to leave the house for two weeks?
I have to tell you, I did not sin for a very long time
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If you get officially tested positive for THC, not only are you high on pot but also high on paper.
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
Remember to buy a fifth on the Third for the Fourth or you may not be able to go forth on the Fifth.
Because the liquor stores will be closed for 2 days.
I was tying my wife to the bed last night for sexy time. I was having trouble getting the rope tied so she started to tease me. I said "can you not!"
She responded: idk, can you knot?
I've never been more proud to be married to her.
Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.
You've got to be Inuit to win it
Did you hear about the summer camp for aspiring models? They’re hiring counselors for next year, but it’s not for everyone.
The camp goers are pretty intense.
Never ask a tree for advice on whether or not you should do something.
They always reply by saying, "I wood".
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
What two things can you eat, but not for dinner?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap
Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...
I randomly place these around my work place. If you’re having a bad day, look up at what I drew for you. No, they’re not my original thoughts, but it makes work a better place.
Baby Humpback: Dad. If you keep eating all the food and not saving any for me, I'm going to starve to death!
Dad Humpback: Nah. Whatever doesn't krill you makes you stronger.
Which day of the week should you not have stood up for?
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
The sweetest thing you can do for your partner is lose a tennis match to them by not scoring a single point.
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
Apparently, taking a day off is not something you can do when you work for a calendar company.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
wearwolf - sorry not so nice for you wolfy but still a pun.
Why should you not ask a horse for it's opinion?
Because they are a bunch of neighsayers.
I'm not sure I can tell you word-for-word what the 2nd Amendment is...
But I'll take a shot at it!
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.
I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.
[PSA, not joke] Why you shouldn't read out jokes to your SO as you find them. Save them for later.
I keep reading out jokes to my girlfriend as I find them on reddit, so she is too prepared for stupid jokes. I just tried this one, and it definitely didn't work... I should have waited. I only had one shot..
"Hey, why does this house smell like updog?"
"Get off reddit"
This is not the joke you're looking for.
Wife and I were making pasta yesterday and we have some garlic knot rolls in the freezer.
Her: do you want to make garlic bread?
Me: no, not really
Her: yeah I don't really want it either, you sure?
Me: it doesn't matter, it's not bread anyway ._.
Her: wat...OH GOD
Do you ever think back to child hood and regret not make enough puns? For example: (History) Vladamir Putin more than halved the poverty rate during his first term.
(Under breath but loud enough that everyone can hear) guess he was really Puttin some work in
If someone gets mad at you for making Indian puns, just tell them it's not Bhavik deal
I hope you're not starved for time
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