For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"
I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural
Julyed.
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Because they turn into warehouses
It’s growing on me.
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
The one for children has baby teeth
Shear size
Creepy white vans.
They have been stepped on for far too long.
Son: No I don’t like ghosts.
They're fairyfocals.
Me: uh, when?
Son: When it’s apparent.
She didn't want bigotry to be normalized.
But when I do. They laugh.
It’s helicopt-air
…to make hens meet.
but he's still making fun of me
He did a lovely job of the landing.
Her: “Is it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)
Me: “Y’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”
Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.
So if thats true then depending on where you are you would be of an average race, have average hair, etc.
And going down from that, alot of people have the same name, making certain names normal or "average".
What im saying is, thats a really complicated way to find the average Joe.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Nothing jumped out at me.
Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??
Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!
Wife: ...thats not that great.
Husband: Well I think it is, but that’s just my two cents.
a Commontater.
"Last week's tin," he said, "is this week's hat."
He must have been having a bad har day.
Our new puppy is named Habibi but we all call her Bibi for short. Here are two real dad jokes I've told about her in the past few weeks:
- What do you call it when Bibi eats one of the Star Wars toys?
Bibi ate
- What do you call it when Bibi shoots out tiny poop pellets instead of her normal poops?
Bibi gun
Thank you, thank you. bows
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
That was a rough day.
Yes, it’s parkour the force.
O I C U R
And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".
I'll be going as a Casualty
Just in case there's a salad dressing
July-ed!
JULYED!
But when I do he laughs
but he's still making fun of me.
