I think I lost my sense of object permanence

Never mind its back

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimi444
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...

Expunge Bob

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeoffInNC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Finland is offering foreign tech workers the chance to relocate to the Nordic country for 90 days to see if they want to make the move permanent.

If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akodo1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Sadly due to a neurological condition, I have a permanent hand tremor..

Good side is that when I do a handshake, I do it literally.

(Condition is inoperable brain tumour)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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Man was selling a really nice JBL speaker for just $1! Said the volume was stuck at max volume permanently. But what a deal!

How could I turn that down!?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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It seems to be permanently boarding.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied β€œYes, after you’ve taken time to heal”

I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reptarticle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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I overdosed on viagra once...

Hardest day of my life.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Permanent Anatomy Pun
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackalopeoff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is really mad at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

On top of it, I’m banned permanently from the maternity ward.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My puppy left a permanent mark on me..

He’s a shar pei.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandfather had the heart of a lion

And a permanent ban from the nearby zoo

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayraj77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My lab partner came up with a device that steals other people’s ideas, and deletes them permanently from their memory.

Why didn’t I think of that?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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After the accident, my doctor told me I would be permanently blind.

I didn't see that one coming.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBoetje
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Just came up with this one

Did you hear about the law office that just won a huge settlement for a dental firm?

They did such a good job, the dentists put them on permanent retainer

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KunrinG
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theophan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
β€ͺThe invention of the dry erase board resulted in removal of the permanent sentence.

It was completely remarkable!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone asked if I was moving to Florida permanently

I replied it was only Tamparary.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mteigers
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Next in the Bourne series: Jason goes rogue and captures Benjamin Netanyahu, and declares himself permanent ruler.

Don’t miss β€œBourne is the King of Israel”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke

It becomes apparent

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eskriller
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Can we just take this pun and make it a permanent part of this subreddit? I think it has earned it reddit.com/r/AskReddit/co…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvTheSmev
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks,

"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notwutiwantd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
🚨︎ report
one time i stabbed someone with a sharpie

the damage was permanent

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iisowo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
You should try whiteboards

They're remarkable

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/memer4747
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Kids are like tattoos

They seem permanent, but actually you can remove them with lasers.

πŸ‘︎ 467
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Althorion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an immortal ant?

Perman-ant

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roo1111
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ant that won't go away?

Permanant

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mbwanderski
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A man hit a rabbit with his car, while driving past a church in an unfamiliar town, one easter morning...

Stopping his car he got out to check if it was okay.

In a stroke of good fortune the rabbit was still alive, just.

The man went into the church to see if there was anyone who could help him.

A kindly Priest saw the man and offered to help. He asked the Mab to wait a moment while he got something that might help...

... After a few moments the Priest returned with a small flask and poured the contents on the rabbit. Which hopped up right as rain!

The rabbit waved to the man, and crossed the road.

After crossing the road the rabbit turned around an waved again. After a few hops the rabbit turned around and waved again. This continued until the man could no longer see the rabbit. A few hops, turn and wave.

When the man turned back to the kindly Priest and asked him, "What was in that bottle anyway, Holy water?"

The Priest replied, "oh nothing like that. It was haer restore, with a permanent wave."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GerFubDhuw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was running out of ammo, so I decided to switch to a knife.

I’m now permanently banned from the paintball tournament.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Puns can always get worse qwantz.com/
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kid__A__
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
🚨︎ report
My brother in law just moved to Canada

He can’t work until he gets his permanent residency.

My wife said, β€œmaybe he could move pianos for cash, under the table.”

Her dad said, β€œit’s hard enough moving pianos, hows he going to move them under a table?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unmentionable123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
So, my dad comes home from work with this

"So, I put a paper in the mailboxes of a few teachers."

"Oh jeez. What did you do this time?"

"I typed a Word Document that said 'Please fill out this form' and left the rest of the page blank. dad cackle

You shoulda heard what they were saying: 'Why did they give ME one? Did YOU get one?' Everyone was losing their minds!"

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingZant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
🚨︎ report
I went to a tattoo parlour and told the guy I wanted a tattoo of a pen.

He said, "Permanent?"

I said, "No, fountain."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Jokes for driving by the beauty school

Each time we drive by the beauty school I attempt a dad joke. Here are some of my favorites.

I wonder how often they use highlighters in their coursework.

Do you think they have extension courses?

Students are dying to get out of there.

Does every teacher allow makeup work?

You know, they're doing the opposite of filing for unemployment.

I wonder how often they change the locks in there?

Do you think cutting class is a requirement?

Does each student have a permanent record?

Do my puns make you want to curl up and dye?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kentuckeyken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Fights in Mario World.

One day Mario and Luigi were arguing with eachother after they came across a very unique ghost in their travels. See, this particular spirit had a permanent rain cloud above her head, leaving water wherever she went. Even more curiously, she permanently had her nose buried in a book!

Mario was adamant "No one's ever seen anything like this before. We should contact the librarians in Peaches Castle to document this."

But Luigi was infuriated and set out to prove his brother wrong. After many hours in the library, he threw a monsters compendium on the desk infront of his brother and exclaimed...

"Take a look.

Its in the book.

Its a reading Rain Boo."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheValkuma
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Got a vasectomy earlier this week. Can't masturbate for a while so I have lots of free time for dad jokes.

Seems like a vas improvement so far.

The urologist told me that I need to use an athletic supporter for 3 to 7 days following the procedure but he also said not to ejaculate for at least a week so what exactly am I supposed to do with this cheerleader in my basement?

Speaking of birth control, what's the difference between permanent female sterilization and a Russian bakery? Well, one's a tubal ligation, the other's a Ruble pie station.

My greatest regret in all this is that I can no longer dress up for Halloween as a pirate and carrying around a sign that says, "Ask me what I use to convey sperm from my testicle to my urethra," for the sake of replying, "A vas, matey!"

Look, these are hard to come up with and my nads are sore. Give me something to make the wife groan that sexy, "why did I marry you" groan that we all love.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neverthesame2x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Closed Vacuum store

My wife and I drove by a vacuum store that had closed permanently the other day. I said "do you know why that store closed? Because their vacuum's sucked"

her groans were music to my ears.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AtG68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
🚨︎ report
How I learned my business law professor is a dad on the last day of class

In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded

"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."

I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bip213
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Of all the inventions in the world the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lauripetas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is mad at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

On top of it, I’m permanently banned from the maternity ward.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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