What do you call appetizers at a murder mystery party?

Murd'Oeurves

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/quinoabrogle
šŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Halloween Puns

Why couldnā€™t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween Iā€™m going to write ā€œLifeā€ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy Iā€™m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


ā€œHalloweenā€ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


Iā€™ll be your trick if youā€™ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


Whatā€™s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A ā€œhollow-weenie!ā€


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



Iā€™m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doā€¦ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, ā€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?ā€ The other monster replied, ā€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youā€™re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itā€™s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iā€™m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italianā€™s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why canā€™t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyā€™re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itā€™s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit āž”

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Punsville
šŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Russian Puns

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.


Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn? Ā Nothing, theyā€™re both fictional characters


Whatā€™s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? Ā Itā€™s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the partyā€™s.


What do you call a Russian with Touretteā€™s Syndrome? Ā Yukanol Fukov.


What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? Ā A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.


What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Userā€™s Manual? Ā The bus and train timetables.


What is Communism? Ā The Poles say itā€™s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.


What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin


What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia


What do you call a Lada on a hill? Ā A bloody miracle.


What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin? Ā Put-it-in!


What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? Ā Electricity.


Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.


When was the first Russian election held? Ā The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, ā€œGo ahead, choose your wife.ā€


Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics


I hate Russian dolls. Theyā€™re so full of themselves.


America: Hey Ivan..Ā Russia: da..Ā America: what do you call a gassy Russian..Ā Russia: hoe donā€™t-..Ā America: Vladimir Tootin..Ā Russia: ! Ā Ā America: !!..Ā Russia: fuck you.


Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill..Ā Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.


So you want to tell meā€¦ Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: ā€œWhat is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?ā€ Weā€™re answering: ā€œThe English fairy tale start with ā€˜Once upon a timeā€¦ā€™, and ours with ā€˜It will be soonā€¦


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: ā€œWhy some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?ā€ Weā€™re answering: ā€œBecause Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans donā€™t help to get rid of the other.ā€


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: ā€œWhy Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?ā€ Weā€™re answering: ā€œAt Leninā€™s time, Ru

... keep reading on reddit āž”

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Punsville
šŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit āž”

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šŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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