What do you call a bisexual pagan monarch Norse biker gang?
(Stolen) the difference between Iran and Iraq is, in Iran everyone is afraid of spiders
Why were European monarchs rarely found in bakeries
but European monarchs were often found in bread?
BREAKING: Iran has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Persian Gulf, killing all 350 aboard
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your frying pan?
You take away their little brooms
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
I asked my daughter, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
This just in from my daughter: What do you live in if you live in Antarctica?
Ice-olation.
She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
Shouldn't a Hershey bar with nuts in it . . .
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
What do you call a cop in bed? (Lord help me)
Why do teachers fart in class?
Because they aren’t private tutors.
One of my students shared that with me yesterday and it made me smile because I had just crop dusted the back of the room.
It’s my cake day. Be nice.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What does the “A&W” in A&W Restaurant stand for?
What's the least spoken language in the world?
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
In Egypt, they have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
They think it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said: "Turn left here."
What's the opposite of Iran
What do you call a policeman in his bed?
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos.
She just wants a shoulder to crayon.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
I posted this in a different sub and was told people here would enjoy it
I’m finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January.
It’s my new years resolution.
I can sum up 2021 in one word
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 1080p?
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her new Christmas present teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
One time a Persian guy tried to fight me, guess what I did
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present.
What starts with E, ends with E, but has only one letter in it?
How was Rome split in two?
My deaf wife kept talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eyes out!
There's only one thing girls want. It starts with a P and ends in an S.
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
What language do people speak in the middle of the earth?
What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit?
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s not buying it. In fact...
...he’s still making fun of me.
My co workers can’t stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I can’t help but say
I was standing naked in front of the mirror this morning and thought...
I'm going to get kicked out of this IKEA.
I saw on Reddit that 30 percent of people allow their pets to sleep in bed with them. I decided to try it...
In Iran, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..
In Iran, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..
In Iran, everyone is so very affaid of spiders..
.. but in Iraq no phobia.
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it?
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