Wife got me with a jungle themed joke (Long-ish)

So we’ve got this FisherPrice Projector Mobile thing that projects a rotating imaging onto the ceiling. (Very nice little thing, highly suggest for babies)

Anyways... We’ve got it set up in the living room and Wife, Son, and I are laying on the ground in the dark watching it go round and round. It’s Jungle Themed, so a lion, elephant giraffe, tiger, a few monkeys, and so on...

We’re pointing out the different animals to Son and he’s repeating a few words here and there... When he starts waving and saying β€œHi” as a new animal rotates in.

So Wife goes, β€œHere comes the Lion. Can you say Hi to the Lion?”

And Son waves and says β€œHi!” and giggles.

Wife: β€œAnd there’s an Elephant! Can you Hi to the Elephant?”

Son: β€œHi... toots”

Wife: β€œYes! Toots! And here’s the next animal. Can you wave to the tiger?”

Son: β€œHi!”

Wife: β€œThat’s the β€˜Hi of the Tiger’”

Me: β€œ... πŸ’€ πŸ’€ πŸ’€β€

Wife: β€œYou love me... Look Son! A Zebra!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Desdomen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.

Lady- how old is your daughter?

Me - 5

Lady - when does she turn six?

Me - on her birthday

Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?

Me - every year.

Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.

Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enis_with_a_p
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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Mom wins.

I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck.

Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?)

Her: "It's all stationary."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0b
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Dad: what's the first thing you do when you wake up?

Me: I check my mobile. Dad: eh wrong.... You open your eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bunty416
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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An accidental pun

Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game

Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. I’m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.

Here’s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like there’s going to be a fight

Me: looks like there’s a fight a-brewin’

Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)

Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that

Him: of course you didn’t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)

I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (He’s still chuckling, btw)

Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspiciousFun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Wife: What are some names of orchids?

Me: Free Willy

Wife: I said "orCHIDS"

Me: Baby Free Willy?

Wife: Shame on you

Me: No, but Shamu would work

*Posted on mobile, please forgive formatting issues

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gudotwo2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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3 Year old daughter has me beat, so proud of her

Yesterday, while eating dinner - my 3 year old daughter wanted a kiss from her mother.

Daughter: I want a kiss.

My daughter then proceeds to give her mom a kiss.

Me: I want 2 kisses.

Daughter then kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 3 kisses.

Kisses her mom again.

Me: I want 4 kisses.

She grabs her fork and puts it to my mouth, and says fork kiss! And laughs.

I'm so proud of her...hahahhaha

Edit: formatting (on mobile)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penmaggots
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
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The perfect storm.

I was being a brat, so my step-dad said

"I think he's on his period."

I reply

"no, I'm actually on my comma."

To which my mom chimes in

"I'm so confused..."

Moment of silence... My step dad looks at her...

"hi very confused. I'm dad."

Many fistbumps between him and me.

(sorry for formatting, on mobile.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alftrazign
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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An accident it was.

Doing this on mobile, so we'll see how it goes.

My son playing with a toy lightsaber:

Son: dad I can't get the saber to open up! Me: have you tried using more force?

Wife: (glaring at me) really? More force?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CowodiByNature
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
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My Grandfather earlier today

Grandfather: Wanna hear a pig with 3 eyes?
Me: Sure!
Grandfather: Piiig.
Edit: Formatting because I'm mobile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BabyNickels
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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Introduced myself to the new bartender at work. Gave her solid gold, butt it went right over her head πŸ˜‘

On mobile sorry if errors. Context: I work in a bar. We hired a new girl, she came in right before it got busy. After two hours worked working together..

Me: "Sorry I didn't get a chance to properly introduce myself. I'm Max by the way....but that's not my real last nMe"

Her:"Hi, I'm Gabbi, wait, what?"

Me:"nevermind"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maxlifts
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
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She's only 4!!

We've been teaching our 4 year old angel/terrorist daughter to use the phone so that in an emergency she'll be able to call me/SO/emergency services. I noticed when i got home yesterday that I had a missed call on my mobile phone from the land-line number, so I asked her: "Did you call me earlier?" Quick as a flash she replys: "No, I called you Dad!" My work here is done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SystemCanNotFail
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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My dad got me good today

Me- "Mom told me that I'm getting my wisdom teeth out at the end of July"

Dad- "Does that mean you won't be as smart?"

-_-

Edit: Formatting (on mobile)

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
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Got my lady earlier at the grocery store.

We were shopping at our local grocery store. She is pretty short, and she needed to reach the sugar on one of the higher shelves.

She grabbed my arm to get my attention (mobile redditing,) and asked, "Can you reach up there and grab that sugar please?"

I looked up from my phone and said, "Which one is the 'sugar-please?'"

As I was reaching up to grab it she kicked me in the butt for how stupid it was. I stood proud.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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Got dadjoked in the pub

[Note: I'm British. Doesn't work so well stateside]

Some older bloke knocks his phone onto the floor and doesn't seem to notice/care.
Me: Excuse me, mate. You dropped your phone.
Him: No, I didn't. It's a mobile phone. Goes around on its own.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSquigles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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Driving down the highway...

My parents and I are driving down the highway moving me to a new city. I have a lot of stuff, not enough to get a truck, yet too much for my car alone. My mom is leading in one car, my dad and I following in another. I see a wide load truck hauling a mobile home and tell my dad, "Look out for that house infront of us." His response...

"Oh please, your mother is not that fat"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
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I think I Nailed this

I'm on my mobile, so I apologize for any typos.


Today I had a simple surgical procedure at my local podiatrist.

At the end of the procedure the doctor was applying an acid to the surgical site, and I asked what he was using.

Doc: "...this is called Phenol, and it discourages the regrowth of the ingrown nail."

Me: "That sounds phenolmenal!"

He stopped what he was doing for a moment, and we had a good laugh, turns out he had never heard that all to obvious pun.

Also, I'm pretty sure khakis are going to sprout from my legs pretty soon.

I'll keep you all in the loop on that front

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agr8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Got dad joked by my mom at a restaurant

I'm on mobile, so the formatting might be off.

Brother: I smell pizza

Me: I wonder if someone ordered pizza around us.

Mom: What's pizza around us?

All I could do was bury my head in my hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rutger_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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Anatomy book

Was looking for a certain structure in an anatomy book with a lab mate and couldn't find it:

Me: "Let's try looking in the appendix"

Her: "I don't think this book has an appendix"

Me: "How can an anatomy book not have an appendix?"

I thought it was hysterical. She either didn't get it or disagreed.

Sorry for any formatting issues - on mobile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdv2mstp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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