A Blunt Force Korma
Waiter; Sir, you are drinking 7up.
I guess you could also call it a con.
She really jumped into the Frey.
But I treated it before it got a toe hold.
Wife's eyes almost rolled over completely when I laid that one on her.
Dunlap Disease:
Everytime we pass a fairly overweight person, he says:
Him: "Poor guy, he's got Dunlap's Disease. His belly done lapped over his pants."
Dicky-Do Disease:
Him: "Poor guy, he's got the Dicky-do Disease. His stomach pokes farther out than his dicky do."
My father-in-law, ladies and gents.
image: https://31.media.tumblr.com/725cf4e89a1212f5558bb1ed026d3b8c/tumblr_mx3zjkdF8S1rf7lz2o1_500.jpg
original thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/TheLastAirbender/comments/1s4vff/dad_jokes/
Uno.... Dos..... Poof
He disappeared without a tres
Horse radish.
It's a real irri-tater.
The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out "he must have a reptile dysfunction".
Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.
There was nothing left but de Brie.
But now I stand corrected
Because they had a fight and 71
When he got there, a woman extended her hand.
"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"
Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."
They walked over to her desk and sat down.
"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"
"Oh, just call me Kermit."
"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.
"Do you have any references?"
"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."
Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...
"THE Keith Richards?"
"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."
"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"
"Excuse me?"
"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."
"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."
Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.
"What's this?"
"It's a Hummel."
"A what?"
"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."
She picked up the Hummel and stood up.
"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."
"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"
So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.
"Patricia! What can I do for you?"
"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."
Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.
"I don't see anything out of order here."
"But, Mr. Wilson--"
"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
They're both tender and mild.
No you didn't. Two Wongs doesn't make one Wright.
Also, edit before anyone sees this: Yes, it's spelled quadruplet. I'm mildly drunk and I can't edit the title.
So this needs a little backstory.
About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."
Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.
Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.
I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"
So my mom asked my dad about a family friend who is having a baby, she asked what his name was gunna be and after some mild mom research she figures out his name is Finley. Without hesitation my dad says “well, at least he’s going to be a hell of a swimmer” and I’ll be damned if I didn’t look at him and giggle a tad.
I was introducing my Singaporean friend to my dad and after a short silence he asked "So do you sing well? or do you Singapore?" Thankfully we both laughed.
(in church)
the priest: 'Let us pray.'
my dad: 'They do?'
^lettuce ^pray
^^ha
Don't worry, it's only mild.
I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.
Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage
Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.
Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!
I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.
Yes, else they would be mildly disappointing.
My dad just asked me to call him, he had loat his phone, so i proceeded to say "dad??" He said yes, i said dad louder, he said yes i yelled dad, he got annoyed and said yes and mid sentence his face went from mildly annoyed to laughing
My dad and I were talking about my job at a camp and I was complaining about one of my coworkers who was mildly annoying. He also happens to be a "little person."
Me: He just gets on my nerves because he can't take a joke.
Dad: You know why that is?
Me: No, why?
Dad: They all go over his head.
I shall call it the "Holy Infant" because it will be tender and mild.
He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.
Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the line there is also out the door, and halfway around the block, to boot!
Miffed, he mutters some mild obscenities, but he is determined to see this through, so he waits for almost 2 hours before finally being able to buy the flowers he picked out.
It's now the night of the dance, and he's ready to go. He picks her up, and they head to the event. When they arrive, his date immediately asks him if he can grab her a drink - she's absolutely parched! Still determined to make this the best night of her life, he dutifully makes his way to the other side of the venue, where he discovers, much to his surprise...
There's no punch line.
"Oh you mean the time of the Chinese dentist?" Mildly racist and painful. Thanks dad.
My student asked this:
I'm looking for a violinist and a photographer for my wedding, any ideas?
My response:
Have the violinist play music and the photographer take some photographs.
Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...
If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!
Dad: Why is cheese is so great? Child: Why? Dad: Because son/daughter, it's the greater than most things! Child: Honesty Dad: Sorry, was that too sharp of a joke for you? Child: Dad Dad: Oh my bad, was it too mild for you? Child:Walks out of the room Dad: I think I milked it a little more than I should have.
We are remodeling my grandmother's house. This includes a new toilet. My dad entered my room today giggling. He replied, still giggling, that my mother was in a rage. After some prodding for explanation, he finally told me that, and I quote, "they only gave her half a toilet."
Now, I'm thinking the tank was in one box and the bottom half was in another, and they only gave her one box. In any case, when worded this way, it IS kind of funny. So, I giggle too. But dad didn't stop there. We laugh for a bit, and then he grins even wider and says:
"I got to thinking, you know, we have a lot of half-ass people around here..."
And that, readers, is how a fairly routine mishap went from "mildly funny" to "too groanworthy to be anything but hilarious".
There used to be this really good band in my home town. I think I heard them on the radio very recently, but I'm not sure Last I checked, they were really small. It's been a long time since I've checked though. They might be giants.
I'm sorry it's half assed but I had this going with my SO for half an hour and she was pissed after I said the end. Mild anger from her and major laughing from me
Dad made this 5 second ago.
GF: You have a lot of genes that are not being expressed right now.
Dad: Um, no, I only have one pair of jeans that i like.
P.S. I am unfortunately inheriting all of his jokes. This one being a mild one.
I was downloading a few things on the XBox one day, and my dad started mildly complaining about how I was slowing down his internet connection. Generally I'm not funny enough to come up with on the spot jokes, but "First come, first server." is the exception to that. Bonus: I was talking about dreams with my parents one morning and I mentioned that I had recently had a dream where dad died. Dad instantly deadpanned with "One day, all your dreams will come true."
After class today my friend and I went to a local Mexican restaurant and we both ordered burritos. Both of us love spicy food and usually cover anything we are eating in hot sauce.
Her: "I don't know what my life would be like if hot sauce didn't exist."
Me: "I'd say it'd be pretty mild"
Her: chokes on food
I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls
... keep reading on reddit ➡http://imgur.com/xj3x0pD So my father in law decided to offer up some mildly useful advice with a problem of mine. I thought this was the perfect place to share.
We were watching the newest Hunger Games movie a couple of weekends ago. Throughout the film she was (very quietly) whispering interesting things that were in the books but not the film.
Mild Spoilers
There is a certain part where a character goes back for a cat.
End Mild Spoilers
She leans over and I think she was going to tell me another interesting things about the scene. She whispered a little louder than the other times, "You've gotta be kitten me right meow!"
You could hear the slight chuckle from the people in front of us and I had to stifle my laughter. I probably shouldn't find it that funny, but I love good timing and a corny joke.
I just had a mild sneeze attack, and the last sneeze was, um, productive. I ended up getting mucus on my sweatshirt and I said, "aww it's all on my sweater now. ew"
to which my boyfriend promptly replies with
"snot the end of the world!"
he actually got me a few times but this one needed to be shared.
So I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell last night, and the guy asked me if I wanted any sauce with my deliciously awful food, and I told him I wanted mild. I said, "Several, if that's cool." He responded by saying, "Well, it's gonna be mild, not cool." I had to pull into a parking space to give myself a minute to stop laughing.
"Why is an elephant big grey and lumpy?"
"Because if it was small, round and white it would be an aspirin."
Mild titters, interrupted by:
"Why is an aspirin small, round and white?"
"To stop you from taking an elephant for a headache!"
Cue groaning.
We're driving along and my wife is complaining about the lack of mild weather compared to when we grew up.
Wife: I haven't had a really good fall in years
Me: That's because you've had me here to hold you up!
Wife: http://i.imgur.com/sPwgpLj.jpg
He just purchased and ate his 'angry whopper'.
He walks up to the counter and says "I said I wanted an angry whopper, this one was only mildly pissed off".
he does this every time we go there.
He was telling me that his grandma had recently started using Twitter and Instagram.
I asked him if that makes her his "Insta-gram."
He was only mildly amused.
So she said: "You should write 'Sammy' on the litter box."
Me: (Look at her dumbfounded for a moment, stutter mildly and speak quietly for emphasis, like how you would when telling a family member that a mutual loved one is very ill) "M-Mom...I..I don't think he can read."
Figured this would be appropriate here: (mildly nsfw [foul language in article])
http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-lame-jokes-you-start-telling-as-soon-as-you-become-dad/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage%2F
I was in Elementary School at the time of this joke, and it still makes me chuckle thinking back on it. My teacher had us running a couple of laps around the school's grassy field. I always had breathing problems, what I'm assuming is mild asthma although it's never been diagnosed. I ran up to the teacher after running a few minutes and told him I lost my breath. He asked something along the lines of, "Well do you want help finding it?" He made the entire class search the ground for my breath. One equally sarcastic child brought me the empty wrapper to a Rice Crispy treat. Oh how I loved that teacher.
My kids love this video and so do I!! It's pretty mild in terms of dadjokes but this kind of thing is pretty standard fare for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yihq8BIhL9c
For as long as I can remember, my dad has used a single punch-line every time I do something right or say anything even mildly intelligent.
me doing something right Dad: Has anyone told you you're a fart smeller?snicker I mean smart feller.
don't worry it's only mild
