My neighbor is stalking me by looking me up on Google and checking my social media every hour
I saw it through my telescope last night
I went on a walk looking for nectar gathering insects....
thats right, I went on A Bee See(ABC)
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
Looking to learn a bit more about the foods we traditionally eat on Thanksgiving...
Can anyone recommend a good bog about cranberries?
"I was looking at memes on reddit" - me
"Reddit?" - my dad
"Yea it's a website" - me
"Nah, that's a noice a frog makes" - my dad
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her I’m just looking for matches.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
I'm trying for a title based on a song but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I finally got to cash in on a joke today that I’ve been looking for a reason to use for years
Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.
We got back to the house and my nephew said...
Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.
Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?
Nephew: no. Is it still broken?
Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.
He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.
While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: “Isn’t that a great looking ship?” Mike replied:
My neighbor knocked on my door looking for some nutrients and my daughter asked me what to do
I said "well don't just stand there, in vitamin"
I tried looking on Amazon for a lighter
All it came up with was 1,623,203 matches
A suspicious looking spacecraft landed on Earth to bring back to life ray-finned fish. But one spacecraft wasn't sufficient, so more arrived.
I think it was extra to restore eels
I am looking for cow species which are vulnerable but not endangered yet on conservation hierarchy.
My kitten was standing on his hind legs and looking around curiously, so I said to my fianceé "He looks like a meerkat...
But alas he is only a mere cat"
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
What did one goose ask the other after looking at the shit on the road?
I’m looking for punny popsicle names. I’d like them to be a play on actual names like Pop Ross, Mary Pop-pins, Pop Seger, Albert Ice-stein, Freezy F Baby, David Pop-perfield, and Iggy Pop. I’m particularly interested in playing upon the names of historical female figures. Help please and thank you!
Looking at some fake fruit on the table, my dad said, “oh no!”
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet
But then my browser froze
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road
When you do something wrong at a public place, the police is looking down on you.
Do you ever feel bad for looking down on people in wheelchairs?
I was looking through the cards in the supermarket. One said on the front: "Thank You For Being A Role Model Dad."
How cute is that? So I slipped it into my pocket and took it home to show my kids.
Mentos should print little messages on their mints, like "you're awesome" or "looking great" and call them Complimentos!
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"
The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."
Looking for puns on full/long sleeves.
I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasn’t working properly so my dad’s girlfriend goes “guess you could say it’s forked”
We were at the airport and they put us on a bus to move us to a different terminal and my dad yells “this is a funny looking airplane”
My son was looking for books on dinosaurs..
So I asked the librarian to suggest a good author.
"Try Sarah Topps" she said.
I went to a club with friends. There was a huge nordic/viking looking ass bouncer He let us through looking intimidating as fuck but whatever. Dancing and drinking. This chick grinding on me. Getting flirty and introduce herself. Her name is Sky. Drag me to the toilet hinting she wants the D.
Sucks dick like a pro. Doesn't let me cum and wants me to eat her ass.
Suddenly huge bouncer from before barges in and shoves me away with an unrelenting force. Proceed eats out Sky's ass like a boss
Yells "Sky's rim belongs to the nords"
(sorry for long post but friend sent this to me and i have no idea where it goes, could use some help)
I was doing my food shopping when I noticed some bananas with clown faces drawn on them. I thought to myself, they're a funny looking bunch.
It is a comfort knowing that Dad is looking down on us.
But we should cut his hang glider out of the tree soon.
I went looking for lighters on ebay,
But all I found was 13,579 matches
Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bike vs a scruffy looking man on a tricycle?
If you're looking for an expert on small, endangered Indonesian buffalo...
Looking for a play on the word Pod for a team name
I was looking on Yelp for some good seafood in my area and there was one place close by.
But it only had tuna half stars.
At the auto show looking at the terrible new design on the Ram truck...
"Let's get the hell out of Dodge."
My girlfriend was looking at apartments on her phone...
she finds one that she likes and says "look this one comes with a free gym" to which I respond "Do you have to provide him with a bed and food?"
Silence. Glares and silence.
I'm sure my old dad is looking down on me
He's not dead, just really condescending.
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