Looking On Puns

I saw it through my telescope last night

thats right, I went on A Bee See(ABC)

He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.

Can anyone recommend a good bog about cranberries?

"Reddit?" - my dad "Yea it's a website" - me "Nah, that's a noice a frog makes" - my dad

The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."

"No" he said, "It kills them"

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.

He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.

“It’s junk”

I said "well don't just stand there, in vitamin"

All it came up with was 1,623,203 matches

I think it was extra to restore eels

I like them medium rare.

But alas he is only a mere cat"

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

Goose shit is this?

“It’s a banana split!”

But then my browser froze

I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road

How cute is that? So I slipped it into my pocket and took it home to show my kids.

The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."

So I asked the librarian to suggest a good author.

"Try Sarah Topps" she said.

But we should cut his hang glider out of the tree soon.

But all I found was 13,579 matches

Attire

Anoa guy

But it only had tuna half stars.

"Let's get the hell out of Dodge."

she finds one that she likes and says "look this one comes with a free gym" to which I respond "Do you have to provide him with a bed and food?" Silence. Glares and silence.

He's not dead, just really condescending.