Listed Puns

Couldn’t turn that down

Turns out it was a shell company.

I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

so she wrote down everything

Because they're naughty-cal

I call it the flip charts.

It’s for a discord bot I’m going to put in a server full of people who could use some dad jokes

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.

Oh wait i mean the president

Creds to my dad for that joke

I thought to myself, "Boy this looks like a real recipe for disaster!"

1. My
2. Favorite
3. Dad
4. Jokes

Me: “Chamorro? It’s Chursday.”

1. great

2. great

3. great

4. great

5. great

6. great

7. great

8. great

9. great

10. An absolute cracker

1. Set myself more goals.

That's #2 on my list.

He was named Justin Case.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

“Ab rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:

“Pick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

So far for States I have: Catifornia North and South Catolina Oklahomeow Oregato Furorida Mew York, Jersey, Hampshire, Mexico Connectikitty ​

For cities I have: Mew York Kitty Felinedelphia San Digato Mewmphis Chigato San Furanciso Indianapawlis Clawmbus​

It was on the no fly list

It's a legend.

Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)

Web Designer

The date you wrote the bucket list.

We really need a faster wife-eye provider.

######Me: [looking thru the grocery bags] I definitely got it

Wife: don't you dare

Me: it must've evaporated

He's been hospitalized, his condition is listed as stable.

Cheery Bowel Syndrome

Angry Bowel Syndrome

Naive Bowel Syndrome (right before you have Taco Bell)

The list is endless and frightening

One time I took a bunch of them with me to Abu Dhabi and while most of them were fine one behaved very weirdly, splitting and separating like it was in the humid air of the tropics. Very strange. I even wrote a letter about it to a listings magazine, which began:

"What's On, I commend to your attention the curious incident of the POG in the dry clime."

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

Lettuce know if you have any

Anyone who makes a pun about iron should pay a periodic Fe, I would stop now but that'd be Nobel of me, HeHeHe. Be sure to take a deep breath before you say "NO". At this point you might thinking we should get Iridium of this guy in rl too. I'll eventually run out of chemical puns, right? Na, which might be your mood coincidentally. This guy must be a fake as Silicone, he got this from somewhere to which I reply, Si, senor! I Cu calling for the coppers, but any "Bro" of mine wouldn't. Don't worry, the best ones Argon by now. Au reading this! This winding list is surely golden by now, right?

As we close this out, allow me to echo your thoughts one last time, Fr y'all.

"F"In"Al"Y"

...are countless.

(In chronological order)

2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019

Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore

"Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

The death was listed as “organ failure”

Amelia Bedelia looked over the list. "Okey-dokey!" Said Amelia Bedelia.

When Mr. Rogers came home, he saw Amelia Bedelia stuffing sawdust into his secret marijuana stash.

Mr. Rogers was furious. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, AMELIA BEDELIA?!"

"You said to cut the grass."

She said: "You never list ten to me."

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

Mop bucket

Car washing bucket

Garden bucket

Ice bucket

Recycling bucket

Metal bucket

Decorating bucket

Nest of buckets

Small bucket

Orange bucket

Foldable bucket

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says…

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

The line was dead.

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

But sausage puns are the wurst.

This is about a school janitor who murders children at the school he works at, and I’m looking for either a pun about cleaning or a pun that can somehow tie in murder/violence with cleaning in some way. Strange request, I know.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh

What do you call bears with no ears? b

What do you call a human with no hum? someone who isn't annoying

what do you call a dear with no eyes? no eye dear

Why does Johannesburg have no vampires? Because the rain is blessed in Africa

Why did the storm trooper buy an Iphone? because he couldn't find a good droid

Did you hear about the kidnapping? It's ok, he woke up

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

1. Overused

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said “this is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

They stink, they take too long, they're usually corny, and I'm way too proud of them.

It's my Czech-list

I tell them it doesn't really matter.

Which is no small feet

1. The ones who write complete list

No rush, no Rush.

https://www.amazon.com/slp/plastic-bucket/7yxmhgjes5fn6uz

and listing it's condition as "mint-in-box."

To do To do To do To do To do To to to to dooooooo

Lacks Cetacean..

No pun in ten did.

You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.

1. A five gallon bucket
2. A wooden bucket
3. A plastic beach bucket
4. A mop bucket
5. A KFC chicken bucket
6. A bucket seat in my car.

The pedo files

Bucket

Pail

Pot

Kettle

Can

Scuttle

http://imgur.com/frPfRRx

Now that I have met Juan, I have met them all

Because that's when you fast.

• Kroger

• Wal-Mart

• Lucky's

• Whole Foods

• Winn Dixie

etc, etc

Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.

Kohl’s

But mine is a little pail into comparison.

1. To Do
2. To Do
3. To Do To Do To Do To Do
4. To Doooooooo

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

I said “no way can we do all of that in 30 seconds”

Mine is just a pail in comparison.