For some reason most of my friends didn't like it
Feel like this is the appropriate place for me to post this
My buddy was promoted to quality inspector for the Canada Goose Jacket Company. He doesn't like it very much though...
...lately, he's been feeling down.
I’d like to stay for two Knights please.
There's a term for people like Trump
I walked into my boss' office to tell him I'd like to be considered for a promotion.
I sat in the chair and said, "Boss, I want a higher position."
"Well, if you push that lever," he said, pointing by my legs, "the chair will go up."
My love for my wife is like the national debt.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
I definitely feel like we didn't prepare enough for all of last year's terrible events.
But then, hindsight is always 2020.
My school gym has a certain area set aside for people who like to be in the thick of things...
Why don’t chickens like to mine for gold?
They might find a nugget.
Looks like the Democrats are going for a fruit-based strategy
They're going with either impeachment or impairment.
At the office barbecue, I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
Dad: "Would you like anything to eat for dinner?"
Son: "What are my choices?"
Dad: “Yes” or “no”
Not many fans are allowed in the stadium for Green Bay’s game today. It will be like
I suggested a new name for the planet Saturn to an astrophysicist and he seemed to like it
He said it had a nice ring to it.
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.
I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.
What does a suit like to have for lunch?
What-a-rack! Made these for my boyfriend's birthday. Hope you guys like them.
I like all Ghibli movies, except for Howl's Moving Castle.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
I’d like to thank Merriam-Webster for teaching me the meaning of the word “plethora”.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
why couldn't the spicy pepper dress like robin hood for halloween?
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
I was in a cat competition that wasn't like your typical competition. They had a category for cat butts, which I ended up winning...
But it was just a cat-ass-trophy
What do xenophobes like to eat for breakfast?
I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
I would like to thank my dad for teaching me the word "apportion".
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
A national coin shortage must provide some much needed relief for people who don’t like change.
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.
I like to keep all my bases covered.
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