Life is like a box of chocolates...
It's destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
My ex made my life like a fairy tale.
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Son: There's a life-sized "Leg lamp" at the light display! It's like 4 feet tall!
Me: No, it's only one foot.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 25 2020
I felt like a hero when I donated that kindey to save a kid's life
Figured the collection was getting a bit too big so why not
credit to the r/TwoSentenceHorror subreddit
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 04 2020
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 29 2020
So, you do understand how constantly treating life like an improv class is unhealthy right?
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 07 2020
It was a long time ago, a different time, when Bach wrote his music. I wonder what life was like Bach then πΉ
π︎ 3
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︎ May 30 2020
Even though my baby poops a lot, I feel like the life lessons heβs been teaching me are invaluable.
π︎ 7
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︎ May 05 2020
The good news is that you're going to live the rest of your life like a billionaire.
The bad news is .... it's Howard Hughes.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Life is like a dick
Sometimes it gets hard for no reason
π︎ 49
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︎ May 29 2019
Would you like to be the sun in my life?
DAD: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
MOM: Awww... Yes!!!
DAD: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 25 2020
Life is like a box of chocolates...
It sucks for people with diabetes.
π︎ 26
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︎ Nov 21 2019
I said "kansas" like "kansaw" like you know, how "arkansas" is pronounced, and once my bf told me the truth, i spent my life seeing who would correct me and it wasnt suprising.
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 17 2019
I asked my bi friend what their bed life is like
They said it was a bit of give and take
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 28 2019
Life is like a game of cards
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 19 2019
I bet earth likes to make fun of other planets for having no life..
π︎ 139
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︎ Mar 01 2019
If TV sitcoms were like real life, ratings would go down.
Because everyone would be at their worst half of the time, every episode would be βvery specialβ and little, if anything, would end happily for the protagonists.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 04 2019
Jokes don't have to be original right? Cause I've only made up two jokes in my life. The rest are from things like this subreddit. XD
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 26 2019
But seriously what would life have been like without furniture?
There wouldn't be a chair in the World.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 19 2019
I feel like I really canβt tell whatβs gonna happen next year. Movies, politics, my personal life. I canβt predict anything
Itβs like I donβt have 2020 vision
π︎ 12
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︎ Jun 29 2019
Real life is like minecraft
Don't waste your diamonds on a hoe
π︎ 11
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︎ May 20 2019
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 16 2019
Being good at calculus in your later life is like...
π︎ 26
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︎ May 05 2018
Life is like Congress
You go to work everyday and never really get anything done
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 14 2018
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesnβt last as long if youβre fat
π︎ 15
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︎ Nov 27 2018
Life is like an elevator...
it has its ups and downs, but most of the time you just get the shaft.
π︎ 14
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︎ Oct 29 2018
I feel like I had a good one in real life yesterday...
Mom: Why don't you use the trowel?
Me: Let's just call a spade a spade.
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 01 2017
Do you recall that film that was kinda like A Bug's Life and came out at the same sort of time as A Bug's Life but wasn't nearly as good as A Bug's Life?
Well you should, it's Remember Antz Day
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 11 2018
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 29 2018
Forest Gump says that life is like a box of chocolates
but, it's actually a cereal.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 16 2018
I'd really like to get a whole new lease on life, but the intrest rate is just too steep now-a-days...
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 10 2018
Life is like sine curve , ups and down
Ohh! Sorry I mean "sin" curve
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 24 2017
Life is like a box of boogers.
You never know which one youβre gonna pick.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 31 2018
Can't believe someone would just throw away their life like that...
imgur.com/hQt9Vgw
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 11 2014
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 13 2014
You know.. my legs may be getting older. Knee's aren't doing as well as I'd like. But I have to hand it to them, they've supported me almost my entire life.
π︎ 5
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︎ May 25 2016
My Dad raised me well: I've been making jokes like this all my life.
Today
My wife: My arm hurts from a shot today.
Me: Oh yeah what for?
My Wife: B12, my levels were low.
Me: What is it now, B14 or B15?
My Wife: shakes head
Me: Maybe B20 or 30?
π︎ 41
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︎ Sep 12 2013
I hate it when people ask me what my life will be like in a year
It's not like I have 2020 vision
π︎ 27
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︎ Dec 31 2018
Life is like a garden
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 21 2018
Life is like a box of chocolates
If you're morbidlly obese then it won't last long.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 04 2018
Life is like box of chocolates...
π︎ 2
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︎ May 31 2018
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