What do you call a furniture store that isover 30 km away?

The Sofa-r store

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/all_knowing_john
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
kms funeral diretors
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pureaustralianhoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a stone that's exactly 1.609 km wide?

A milestone

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lordman17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the Man in galway get water 73.2 Km South?

He wanted some Clare water!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SomeAverageBoy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Statistics say you are most likely to get in a car accident within 1.5 km of your house.

I'm moving!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NormanBurgundy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates? (and other monster jokes from a book I had)

Countdraculations.

What is 5m. tall, hairy and flies at 2,179 km/h?

A King Kongcorde.

What do witches use to know the hour?

A witch watch.

What do you call a chicken spirit?

A poultrygeist.

And one mine:

What do you call a house inhabited by a chicken spirit?

A hen-ted house.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Roaring_Anubis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I identify as a measurement of speed...

because I want to km/s

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/100mypete
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear the flat earther joke?

Didn't think so, it isn't really going round.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 94
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/itsokaytofeelgood
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerโ€™s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnโ€™t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnโ€™t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 63
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Doty152
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If the police pin someone to the ground, but they struggle to get away, do they become a...

?

rule 6 compliance section: >!It's an aluminum-shelled resistor. The person trying to escape would be a resistor, but would be put in a car, which are about 9 percent aluminum, if this shitty article I found online is to be believed: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/under-the-hood/auto-manufacturing/5-materials-used-in-auto-manufacturing3.htm the car would be the metal shell.!<

>!also I found online that walking at 5 km/h takes around 100W of energy, so I went with 200W because I figured trying to escape the police while prone probably takes around double the effort.!<

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kirbykirby56
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rocknocker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! Iโ€™m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you donโ€™t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, itโ€™s been around the birthday block a few times, but thereโ€™s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If youโ€™re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what youโ€™re thinking, โ€œI bet this is a junkerโ€, but youโ€™d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body Iโ€™ve ever had my hands on.

Whatโ€™s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because itโ€™s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds itโ€™s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Iโ€™ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. Itโ€™s whatโ€™s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I donโ€™t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasnโ€™t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, Iโ€™ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if youโ€™re traveling with another couple, Iโ€™m sure theyโ€™ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesnโ€™t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DjBWren
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.