Jurisdiction
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sumo-911
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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What do you call a pig from New York?

A New Porker...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lumikue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Now they tell me
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalfaChain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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I was captured by ISIS after Iran away

Now all I’m China do is to survive

πŸ‘︎ 405
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamgej
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Wife: *is pregnant*

Me: I want to name our son James.

Wife: Why?

Me: No reason.

9 months later

Wife: My water broke

Me: Let the James begin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

πŸ‘︎ 588
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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My wife found a $5 bill in the washing machine

Me: "I'm going to have to call the FBI."

Wife: "Why?"

Me: "Because you've been laundering money."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmcsalmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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