I read a book about an immortal dog the other day.

it was impossible to put down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyanide_Gaming2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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The Queen is immortal, it's not a joke

Coz a pawn would just go to the end of Britain and respawn as the Queen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gandhitaher27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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I have a theory on how to become immortal.

Trouble is, it'll take forever to test.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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What do immortal British people drink?

InfiniTEA.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpaceGuy99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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No one really knows if they're immortal or not

But people are dying to find out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoppiiLlama
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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I've named my newly born son 'Immortal'.

I think he won't live up to his name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Immortals from the movie Highlander get along like peas in a pod.

There can be only one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DandyBeyond
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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I don’t wanna be immortal

Sure it would be cool at first, but I’m sure it would get real old

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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Scientists have recently engineered a new species of frog that have become immortal after removing their vocal cords

They can’t croak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hidoshigo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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What did the immortal beavers name their tribe?

Eternal Dam Nation

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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Can’t put it down
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering

Polygon but not forgotten.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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I swear, I'm gonna get the Secret to Immortality...

... even if it kills me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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I found the key to immortality

Just never leave your living room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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People dying from laughter are why the quest for immortality is no joke.

We are all doomed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuskiHuski
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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I'd rather die than have immortality
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurtle_Le_Turtle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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I've got this joke about immortality

It never gets old!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfroman23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2013
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This man and our sense of humor will be immortalized for all to learn from (xpost from pics)
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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Guy goes into a pet store

So a guy decides he wants to buy the world's most unique pet. He goes to the pet store.

He looks at a cat and a dog. Not unique enough.

He looks at a hamster and a guinea pig. Please.

The pet store guy shows him a porpoise in a tank. He says "what's unique about that" and the pet store guy says "this one will live forever".

So he buys two.

He takes them home and puts them in his bathtub.

He feeds them. He tries feeding them fish, shrimp, waffles, everything. They won't eat anything.

So he goes back to the pet store, and says "they won't eat anything I give them" and the pet store guy says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the only thing they will eat is mynah birds."

He says "mynah birds. Really?" and the pet store guy says "yep".

So he buys a couple mynah birds and takes them home.

When he gets home, there's a lion sleeping on his front step. Yes, a lion.

He thinks, that's a little strange, but I've got these mynahs and I've got to feed my pets. So he steps over the sleeping lion and takes the mynahs inside.

Just then, a cop jumps out of the bushes and arrests him.

He says "come on! What's the charge"

And the cop says

"transporting mynahs across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises"

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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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One long ass pun

There was this scientist that discovered a way to keep porpoises alive forever. Problem was that he had to feed them baby sea gulls Well the sea gull was a protect species so he had to be careful. Well one night he was bringing some back to the lab. It was very dark and he ran over a lion that was sleeping in the middle of the road A cop sees all this and you know what he arrested him for ? Carrying underaged gurls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises

This is not original. I read it in a book of puns 40 years ago. I do not know which one I would like to give it credit but it was 40 years ago

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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I made a wish with a genie to not die as a virgin....

He made me immortal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamstagram
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
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A long one

So, a few weeks ago, someone posted a pretty long dad joke. Here's mine--it's what my dad would call a "Shaggy dog story".

The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls.

While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime? Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esoper1976
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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Descartes walks into a bar..

..and asks for a vegetable. Upon receiving it he says "I thank thee for the yam!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-opener
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
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The first time they ever met, my dad blindsided my mom with this prophetic alphabet dad joke.

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egdirdle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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I think this is a dad joke

I'm a dad and I like telling it, so I guess that's qualification enough. I heard this joke about 26 years ago, and I still laugh at it. Slightly long, so don't hate me.

A guy that lives alone decided that he wanted to get a pet. He went to a pet store in his city to see what was available. The man tells the associate at the store that he wants a pet, but he doesn't want an "ordinary" pet like a cat or dog, he wants something unique. The associate asks the man if he by chance has a swimming pool at his house, and the man replies that he indeed does have a pool. The associate says, "Great! I've got just the pet for you. Actually it is two pets -- two beautiful porpoises. And these aren't ordinary porpoises, either. They will never die, but there is one small catch. To keep them alive, once a year at noon on July 1, you have to feed each one of them an immature sea gull, before the birds have learned to fly." The associate tells the man that he shouldn't worry about the annual feeding, though, because the associate will always make sure he has two birds available for the man every year on July 1.

The man buys the pets, fills his swimming pool with salt water, and really enjoys the companionship of the porpoises throughout the year. On June 30, the man calls the pet store to make sure the two birds are available, and sure enough they are. The next day, he goes to the pet store at 10 a.m. to purchase the birds, and while he is inside the store he hears a lot of commotion coming from just outside the store. He goes to the front of the store to see what's going on outside, and he finds that there is a huge, ferocious lion trying to get into the store through the front door. Luckily, the door swings outward from the store, so the lion can't get it open. The police call the store associate to tell him what has happened. The main attraction (the lion) from the state zoo just up the road from the store had escaped, and the lion could sense all the small animals that were inside the pet store, so he was trying to get into the store to eat them. The police are waiting for the zoo's lion tamer to show up and get the animal back into captivity.

Meanwhile, the man who was at the store to buy the birds to feed to his pets was getting really anxious. He was trapped inside the store, there was no other exit, and the time was quickly approaching noon. The associate reminded the man that he absolutely had to feed his pets at precisely noon, otherwise th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phallivore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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My Dad's go-to story joke

So my dad pretty much lays this one on every friend of mine he ever meets.

There once was this man named Benny, who had the strongest desire to live forever. The devil knew these desires, and arose out of the dephts to make a deal with Benny.

The deal stated that, in exchange for Benny's soul, he would be gifted with immortality. The only condition was that Benny could not shave any part of his body, ever, or he would be instantly transformed into an urn.

Benny went on with his now unending life and found himself falling in love with a girl shortly after accepting this deal with the devil. The girl however. Would not love him back because of his ridiculously long hair covering his entire body. It was said that the hair from his knuckles would sweep the floor when he walked into the room, and he would constantly trip himself on his beard.

The girl eventually died and Benny fell into a deep depression. He decided it would be best to end his misery by going to a barbershop, and getting a shave. He sat in the barber's seat, and as soon as the blade reached his skin, he was transformed, and all that remained in the seat was a large, metal urn.

The moral of the story... A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRagingKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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It shouldn't be, it's chili

Sat down with my kids to share wonderful lunch my wife prepared for this cold day. Took a bite and spit it out, "what is this!? It's cold!"

I think I've risen to so immortality in the eyes of my children.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seobrien
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
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Watching Lord of the Rings...

Dad: Why is Elrond upset with Arwen?
Sister: He didn't want her to give up her immortality to be with Aragorn.
Dad: Isn't that a bit elfish of him?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipingplover
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
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I was reading a book about an immortal horse the other day.

It was impossible to put down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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The key to immortality

Is not dying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Only-Lurk-SRD
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Dad told me a joke about immortality

it never gets old.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gregtheomniscient
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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