America
Should have been titled, "FBI director declares himself unpatriotic!"
...."insanely witty/hilarious" puns (if you can call them that, I'm not an expert) that he uses when referring to things, here's a few:
- QuikSilver => SlowGold
- Vin Diesel => Lose Petrol
- Backup folder => Frontdown folder
I'll try and think of a few more but you get the point.
Anyways he thinks he's a comedic genius that dude.
So, every single year my band teacher would dress up as some hilarious pun for Halloween. This year, he came into school starring at a piece of paper that said "175 lbs" on it.
He was watching his weight.
“ well, give it back !”
They’re great at deliveries
I Just Reddit.
She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.
Hey Dad, you ok?
Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.
"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."
Follow me on twitter for more! 👉👈
Did you know, when I was your age... I was six.
We all know that pokemon evolve after being trained for a while. There is a little known fact that some Pokémon evolve into different Pokémon based on how you raise them.
For example,did you know if you raise a pikachu badly it evolves into a nasty little Pokémon called pissed-at-chu!!
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
Everything was comedy gold.
Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:
Wife: "Are you going to make it?"
Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"
Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"
Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough
Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"
My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.
My girlfriend was angry but Dave and I thought it was hilarious!
Me
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.
Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.
At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
a really long TED talk
My 14yo son draws comics every night on a whiteboard of his bedroom door. This is what I saw this morning...
I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete
My 14yo son drew this comic on his whiteboard, someone said I ought to post it here.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JakesDoorComics/comments/j2f29l/dad_joke_research_center/
I was so salty
He would reply, “No, just leave it in the carton”
Because my fatherboard went to get milk.
We're watching A Quiet Place, and the son falls into the silo filled with corn and starts sinking.
My 8yo cracks a joke: "Aw, now he's going to die of corncer".
I struggled to hold back my laughter before telling him it's not cool to joke about cancer.
So for background, I work at McDonald's. I have to scan every Euro Bill 50 € and up.
So one day a dad comes in with his two little daughters. He places his order and hands me a 50 € bill. I scan it and scan it again and the machine won't recognize its validity, when the dad says:'That's odd, I JUST changed my printer's toner' Daughters facepalm other dads in line nod
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
They just seem to have some trouble with stand-up comedy.
Even the cake was in tiers
(Had to do a half cake day joke)
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
He always responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’
(Yes probably a repost)
A trai-tor
He had to pull some strings
