Hey Ya! Puns

Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke

To keep in the spirits!

So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door

Dad: Hey son, ya know why they put fences around the graveyard?

Me: No, why?

Dad: People are dying to get in.

One of the classic  Abbott and Costello  routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money.  The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill.  This routine was done  many  times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10  
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right.  [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

So I'm visiting home in Chicago, and my father took my daughter and I to the zoo. We're at the lion habitat and my dad says to my daughter:

"Hey, you know what that lion is doing? He's just lion around!"

And not 2 seconds later I hear another dad tell his kids:

"Hey! The lion just jumped! Haha no, I'm lion."

Immediately after another dad to his kids:

"You know you can't trust lions, because they're always lion to ya!"

Please send help

He heard about the earthquakes, and that there were likely more on the way, so he gave her a call.

But she didn't answer.

So, instead, He just left this message:

"Hey Sunshine, just calling to check on ya-- see what's shaking. Call me back, love you!"

(Don't feel bad, I groaned too 🤷‍♂️)

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut? Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...

I sneezed and my daughter said, "Gesundheit!"

My husband said, "Oh, hey, that's German for 'virgin', right?"

Confused looks from everyone.

Dad: "Ya know. Goes-in-tight?"

Convo with my roommate a few minutes ago...

Me: Hey, want to get Curry n Kebab for lunch tomorrow?

RM: E's picking me up for Telluride at one tomorrow so I probably won't have time.

Me: Well you better Telluride that they gonn' have to wait for you to eat ya curry!

Dad: Hey look at that clock over there! That's one nice clock!

Me: Ya, I guess.

10 seconds later

Dad: Hey remember when we were talking about clocks earlier? Good times...

"Hey dad, how'd ya sleep last night?"

"Oh, ya know, on a bed with some blankets and pillows..."

"hey son, how do you make a match burn twice?"

"I couldn't tell ya dad"

lights match "one.."

touches match to my skin "two!"

I cower in pain

I was filling flowerbeds at work-a sport center and gym- with my dad(one of the owners), the groundskeeper- a father himself(lets call him GK), his son, and another co-worker.

two brothers, both in their late teens come out of the gym and wait for their dad to come pick them up. My dad sees them and asks if they want to help with the mulch- "its a free second workout!" A little later, GK says "Hey guys, you two should help with the mulch. We won't pay ya, but it'll help build up your muscles!". After the second time, you could hear the kids groan across the parking lot.

Aaand in come the brothers' father to pick them up. "Hey, look- they're mulching. you should help them. you two need to work on your biceps."

Three variants of the same dad joke in a matter of 15 minutes.

I walk in and say: hey dad, what ya watching?

Dad: the t.v.

Me: no, what's on the t.v.?

Dad: dust

Me: -faceplam-

So my co-worker and I were near the Ladders and Step Stools aisle and she asked me:

Co-Worker: Hey, could you take this box and put it on top of the shelf please?

Me: Sure but I'll need that ladder over there or a step stool. Preferably the latter since it's closer.

Then she goes and takes a ladder and brings it to me.

Co-Worker: Here ya go!

Me: That's not what I asked for.

Co-Worker: B.. But you said you wanted a ladder didn't you?

Me: Did I?

Co-Worker: You said you wanted the ladder because it was... Oh I see. Rolls eyes

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

• CARGO - "cargo beep beep".

• RAY - Whenever the word or name "ray" was mentioned, he would always respond with "You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson." Needless to say, we hated the math lesson about rays.

• HUDSON - During mentions of the Hudson River in history, he would always sing back "HUDSON 3-2-700."

• OKLAHOMA - Whenever Oklahoma came across, he would sing the famous line from Oklahoma! the musical. (with an especially long "ohhhhhhh!")

• SURELY - "...and don't call me Shirley." (but of course, who doesn't respond with that?)

• GERONIMOOOO!!!! - pretty self explanatory.

• Sticking with these obscure quotes and references, his two favorite days of the year are November 5th and March 15th.

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

Whenever the kids on our block are out playing, my dad stops the car, rolls down the window, and says:

"Hey, they're looking for ya.."

pondering pause

"Who..?"

"The squirrels they think your nuts!"

Another coworker asks for help with something. One guy says, "Hey Pete, could you help her out" to which Pete replies, "I'll help her out, ya know which door she came in?".

So my brother is planning a camping trip through facebook, and on the invitation it reads:
"Hey guys and gals,
Hope ya'll are getting good and riled for campin. It's going to be intents."