Halloween Is Grinch Night Puns

The Who

“Exactly”, I replied

They claimed insurance but it was rejected: apparently it was an Act of Gourd.

I think she's a little dorky

Because she lost her spo-keys

The Vampire State Building (I know, she’s awesome).

I call it my spidey-cents

She's a ghost pepper

So, I nailed 95 Reese's to the church door.

Because I get to say goodnight to my kids with

"Alright, see you next year!"

It's called "In the pen dance day".

So tender and mild

No better music to run to

He’s clearly supposed to be the Holy Ghost.

He gets happy when Sun goes down.

Putting my son to bed last night and out of nowhere he says “knock knock” I say “who’s there?” Nothing… I explain the idea of a knock knock joke to him and he tries again… “knock knock” “who’s there?” “hop hop!“ he says.. I say “hop hop who?” And start dying laughing… he starts dying laughing…

.. for those that don’t know… hop hop is an owl he likes to watch on YouTube.

Kids got potential.

I think he got lucky but I genuinely started laughing so hard and he did too. Was a cute moment thought I’d share

High Stakes

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

That would dampen spirits.

Indeed, she's a CEREAL KILLER

GRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNSSSSSS.

In honour of Halloween night.

Tuesday is open Mike night!

He says "I know, this is the home in-vest-i-gator."

My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"

Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"

He throws out a thunderbolt, raises a triumphant fist to the sky and roars, “I’m Thor! I’M THORRRR!”

His horse looks back at him and says, “Of course you’re thore, thilly, you’re not wearing a thaddle!”

Honestly her mom and I always did 75 at night but this is her own life and her own thermostat so I am proud of her no matter how she chooses to set it!

Edit: I used to think this world / community is very polarized. Now I realize they are not - they are really sort of gradually distributed between uncomfortably cold and uncomfortably hot....

Easter and Valentine's Day are a couple other good cand-y-dates.

For context I work at a short staffed pizza joint.

Customer says it looks like you’ve had a busy night. Said, yep…. Especially with a skeleton crew! ☠️😉 Happy Halloween everyone!

The nun asks why he’s staring, so the cab driver says, “Ever since I went to Catholic school, I’ve fantasized about kissing a nun.” The nun says, “I’ll kiss you, if you’re single and catholic.” The cab driver says, “I’m both.” The nun says, “Pull into an alley.” The nun proceeds to kiss the cab driver in a way that’d make a hooker blush. Back in the cab, the driver begins crying, “I lied… I’m married, and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s okay, you’re forgiven. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Hey all,

I thought I would share a wholesome yet hilarious jab at me my daughter unintentionally made last night.

I honestly can’t remember what joke I made last night but it’s one that we would all make. akin to the “kid comes up and days I’m hungry” joke. I chuckle to myself.

My 6 year old responds Daughter: “Mom, is Dad still learning to tell jokes?” Wife: “No sweetie why do you ask?” Daughter deadpan face and tone: “Because that wasn’t funny.”

It’s the “Snorin” Desert.

I’ve been telling my son “whoever stole my…” jokes and making him groan. I need more. Please help!

Whoever stole my coffee I don’t know how you can sleep at night Whoever stole my radiator the heat is on you Whoever stole my electronic repair kit you’re in for a shock…

But it is the Halloween season - so if they're up 'coffin' all night then it's just them getting in the *spirit* of the holidays right?

Last night I pulled a classic dad joke on my daughter. Normally this would make anyone groan but because my daughter is cool like me she loved it.

We were studying for her science vocabulary test. When we came to the word “organism”

she said: “Any living thing. Like an animal, plant or fungi”

I said: “You know people think I’m a fun guy (fungi)”

(Pause) she looks at me….

Her: “Oh I get it! “ then we laugh as she explains the joke I made. She’s 9.

Classic… My daughter is going to make a great “dad” one day…

He is a ware wolf!

She hates when I call her that.

I bet it will be a hair razing experience.

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

The pee is silent.

Kid: that’s a big bowl of candy mister!

MA: Yeah, but you can only taekwondo.

This is from last night, pizza night.

(I have two pizzas in-hand)

Me (47 yo dad): Hey kids (2 12 yos + 1 11 yo), i have a question!

Them: (in a surly tone) huh/grumble/no response?

Me: If I throw a pizza...(my eyes begin to twinkle)

Them: (seeing the signs, they scatter in attempt to get out of earshot, but they're too slow)

Me: ... Will it become at YEET-ZA?!?!? (I begin cackling)

11 yo: Busts out laughing.

12 yo daughter: DON'T GIVE HIM ANY ATTENTION, YOU'RE ENCOURAGING HIM!!!

I'm so fucking proud... Feel like i leveled up on this one!

Qso there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake, the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy. prosperous people, the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have, the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night the knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it, he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

...he lays awake all night wondering if there is a Dog.

I took my wife to the orchestra. I'm not a huge fan, but it was her birthday present. The evening was a night of Rachmaninoff.

It's been an evening, and they get to his 9th symphony. It's a longer piece, and there's this whole movement where it's all percussion and wind instruments. The bassists leave the stage, and two cellists also step away. No big deal. The cellists apparently went back to the conductor's dressing room and began having sex, which I think is just awesome. The bassists went to the green room and started drinking. They knew how long they had. When one of the younger guys noticed the time almost up, an older one stopped him, and let him know that he threaded the score pages together, forcing the conductor to vamp and cover while he opened the rest of the score. That gives them a bit more time. When they get back to the stage, they're really drunk. The cellists still haven't returned. The conductor is frantically trying to undo his score while maintaining the piece. I'm watching this all, gleefully. It's the best concert I ever saw. My wife is a bit frustrated though, and whispers to me "why are you so pleased?"

I tell her, "It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, the basses are loaded and there are two out!"

Every single time he saw him he yelled out "FOUND HIM!"

So a group of guys come into the shop, in various costumes. One of them is wearing a dressing gown and holding a fork and disconnected plug socket thingy.

I asked him what he was, and he said he was a child that stuck a fork in an electrical socket. He was annoyed that nobody could guess it, so I replied:

"I know, it must've been pretty shocking for you."

My colleague sent me to stock out after that.

We named him Shaft, because he would patrol the house every night before finally coming into our bedroom to make sure we were tucked in safely.

After my wife gave birth to our first child, she noticed that the cat would check on me and our son, but was no longer checking to make sure she was tucked in safely.

Several nights pass where Shaft all but ignores my wife on his nightly patrols. “Hunny, have you noticed that Shaft started ignoring me once our son was born?” she asked.

“I have, and I’m not surprised,” I replied. “You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother tucker.”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”