Graining Puns

... hence, don't take it as gospel.

We're all in the same oat.

There was no battering ram.

A coronary.

A Lot

I'm a bran ambassador.

It was spelt incorrectly.

Chinese takeout: $15.00
Gas to get there: $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes...

Riceless

Haulin’ Oats... 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️ I’ll show myself to the door. -dad

Weird flax but 0k

He hates it when it's high ground.

if it doesn't become whiskey.

My grains 🤔

They all like a good grain

“Bison.”

It was a real rye-ot.

I'm surprised you never heard of Hitler's rice to power

They’re just going against the grain

My grains!

He could barley wheat for his crops to come in.

Sweet

But this year I made one mill.

I get pie with a little spelt from my friends!

Weed fed beef... High Steaks!

So anyways, I dust the grains down from africa

But I have barley any.

I take it with a pinch of sugar.

Makes it taste better either way!

To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.

"Grains"

At hens

Haulin' oats.

No plains no grains

It was inGRAINed in his DNA.

Whew! I'm nacred...

And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

Aloof of bread

A rice-ist

That it's impossible to lose weight by simply eating green grass and salads, and walking.

And asks, "Eukaryotes?"

Because it does everything with a flour-ish

He couldn't find a corner to piss in...

GRAINS

But my doctor told me to cut back on the sodium!

Talking to friend about work, and how he's having some issues. I ask what's wrong, and he starts to reply

Him: Well... Me: That's a pretty deep subject.

Shits and giggles from me

He said not to take the lords name in grain.

... are really going against the grain.

Wife: How's the market today?

Me: Grain is up in rows, livestock is outstanding in the field.

In fact it was a migraine. So I asked her if I got myself a bowl of oatmeal if I would also have a My Grain.

It really a'maize'ing, because of how it pops. And at the end a kernel of truth. It's a grain.

So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.

My daughter wanted to be a farmer for halloween. I told her she should be a zombie farmer ... lurch around yelling "grains .... GRAINS"

My response?

Pick it's grain... Ask it wheats the matter... Ask it why it's all in a husk...

Turns out she meant to type "How do you feel about barley" and wasn't setting up a joke... (I use my hands to feel about barley)

I think I spend to much time on this sub :)

I don't know what a band knows about health, but I take it with a grain of salt.

He was going against the grain

There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.

"Those are my grains!"

I called it Nonsenseodyne.

I should have taken it with a grain of salt

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!

His headache got so bad, he dropped his rice and yelled "my grains!"

Me: You filled this container with the wrong kind of rice

Her: All rice looks the same to me.

Me: I can't believe I married a riceist.

A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns th

Kicking grass and taking grains.

(Courtesy of my teen son. I feel so proud!)

He's going against the grain.

Grain-dead

He took it with a grain assault.

He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.

The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.

The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".

The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!

So I thought I’d distract her with the story of the two Italian wheat farmers who would fight over their crops shouting, “That’s a my grain!” Her headache worsened.

50 shades of grain

porn flakes

rice frisky

weeniabix

captain munch

special D

No pain, no grain

I heard it's not all true, so take it with a grain assault

Take an aspirin, because you have my grains.

Because he had my grains

I took it with a grain of salt

My-grain

Whole grain bread.

GRAINS!!!!!

…but I always take his advice with a grain of salt.

Grains!!!

Grains, Graaaaains!

Grains...