Just got back from the doctor, he said I should drink more wine.
He actually said “less beer”, but I’m pretty sure I knew what he meant.
What did Mr. Potato Head tell the green army men when one of their commandos got stuck in his back flap?
You've got a friend in me!
my date got up to use the bathroom and said she would be right back.
I knew she was full of shit though...
I got scammed by an investor a few years back
Turns out Bernie Madoff with all my money
Just got back from a concert where The Police performed
Turns out it was a Sting operation
Got my ears pierced a while back.
It was like two ears ago.
Just got back from a trip to the UK
You wouldn’t believe how many pounds I lost.
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted “HIJACK!” All passengers got scared. Then from the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back,
My wife’s back pain got better after we visited the beach and she picked up an item floating in the water…
She found a massage in a bottle.
Just got back from Ancient Egypt, you'll never believe this..
They didnt write in hieroglyphics, they wrote in Comic Sands
I got a cut on the back of my foot
I just got back from the mannequin store but they didn’t have any torsos in stock.
It was a really out of body experience.
Did you hear about the camel who got depressed after injuring it's back?
Eventually it got over the hump
Someone asked me how my wife and I got together and I responded "back then she had magic powers"
She touched my leg and I turned into a motel.
Just got back from an appointment with my optometrist today.
It was an eye-opening experience
I just got back from the annual alarm clock convention, and I'm never going again
It was a total snooze-fest
Got some new boat parts, but negotiating discounts was a constant back and forth
Looking at it now, it was quite the oar deal.
Just got back from the lumber store
where I saw a man buying both cedar and oak at the same time. Which I think is disgusting. I think you should buy only one wood and stick with it because I believe in mahogany.
What did the snail say when it got on the turtles back?
I just got back from the most emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
(Happy Cake Day to me!)
I just got back from a camping trip and I'm so tired.
My son just got back from a Semester at Sea taught by Nobel laureates.
Quite proud that he got to ride on a scholar ship.
I just got back from surfing and my son handed me a Bible
My friends REALLY got me back with a crazy prank on our recent hiking trip to the Grand Canyon
So I am known in my group of friends as being the prankster of the group. We are all aerospace engineers and work together, so I have lots of opportunities to booby tap doors, create little explosions, etc. and they can get really annoyed!
This past weekend, we all went on a hiking trip to the Grand Canyon, and on our first night they got me wasted. That night while I was completely passed out, they put a jetpack onto my back that they had rigged to be powered by heaving breathing only.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
My cousin Bob got kicked out of a bar. He stormed back in, so he was kicked out again.
He's my cousin twice removed.
My broken hard drive got sent back to china for repair.
I just got back from space
It was an out of this world experience
My wife just got back from taking the computer to the shoe store...
She said tech support told her to try rebooting it.
What do you call a weeb Wookiee who got held back a year or two in school
Breaking news: The cast of Friends have all made it back to shore alive after an incident where they got stuck at sea. Matt Le Blanc was quoted saying “The engines blew up, and none of us had any real experience with sailing, but it was okay...
Just got my test results back and it turns out I have perfect spelling!
Why did the Asian astronaut have trouble walking when he got back to Earth?
Got the car back from the garage today and the radio now only plays Bible Verses.
Turns out they installed a Catholic Converter
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
Just got back from the doctors. Been diagnosed with Tinnitus.
Not sure I like the sound of that .
I just got back from my first candle party.
Plant Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot
I got the word “Ouch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My dad asked me if it still hurts.
I told him yes, but it’ll heel.
When grandpa got sick, grandma would rub lard on his back.
He went down hill pretty fast after that.
What did John Cena tell his teacher after he got back his test paper?
A whiskey connoisseur invited 3 friends over to his house. He told his friends to try any whiskey on his shelf before leaving the room. When he got back he exclaimed...
Who put this whiskey here?! This is a rye!
I just got back from a very emotional wedding
Even the cake was in tiers.
I got the word “Ouch” tattooed on the back of my foot yesterday. My son asked me if it still hurts.
I told him yes, but it’ll heel.
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