I heard two good ones the other day.
Q: What smells like poop and rings like a bell?
A: Dunnng
Q: Have you heard of the new Scandavian religious rock band?
A: No? Well, I heard they're Bjorn Again Christians.
Was at my gf's house hanging out, drinking beers, watching tv, pizza in the oven, no kids, everything was just perfection. So the oven timer goes off and she gets up off the couch and goes to open the front door and I say "Babe, it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno." I can't remember what she threw at me.
More recently at her house, kids are eating at the table and the dog is in hover mode staring at their food. So she calls the dog and tells her to leave the boys alone when they're eating and is shaking a fist at her. So I said "Careful, she's a boxer." One kid spit out his food laughing. (Dog is a bulldog/boxer mix)
Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?
"No... Why..?"
Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?
Argon
Preferably something physical related, not so much to do with place names or anything like that, but if they're funny enough and not to niche I don't see why not! Thanks I really appreciate it! ^you ^guys ^are ^the ^best
Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"
At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"
Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"
Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"
A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face
A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"
Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"
Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs
A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"
"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"
Sitting down for story time one afternoon, my grandfather began telling us the story of his trip to the Arctic, "It was a treacherous journey, but we finally made it to our destination, the North Pole. It was a huge sigh of relief for my exploration team and me because we knew that from that point on, it was all downhill from there,".
Classic. We miss you dearly.
Number one:
Kid: "The sun sure is warm today."
Dad: "I'm pretty sure the sun is warm every day."
Number two:
Upon walking into a dark room I say, "Hey, dad, do you want me to hit the lights?"
He responds, "Nah, i'd prefer you just turn them on. It might hurt to hit them."
Hey guys, let's go look at the monkeys. And also look into their return policy...
Naan ya business
Prepping dinner the other day:
Me: hey these aren't peas. Something called mukimame? Son (5 y.o.): is that like edamame? Me: I think maybe? Dunno, I'm not an expert on mames. Daughter (7 y.o.): yeah, because you're a dade!
I've never been a prouder father than in that moment.
Most tape measures don't measure up
They sure are good at lifting spirits.
But that’s just my two scents
Dad, if this place is NOT Berry’s farm, then whose farm is it??
She wanted me to listen to a recording from a church service, asking if I thought a sound was a chair sliding or a fart.
I said, “Well, it’s a pew either way.”
“Nooooo!” she replied.
I think we might be ricist
We were throwing a frisbee and my toss dropped short.
Him: “UGH! Why, dude?!”
Me: “What comes after Y?”
Him: “Dude!”… “and also, Z.”
A proud and wonderful day.
Edit attempt: structure. On mobile and I’m not sure how this all works.
He said it was mushy.
Before the meeting, we were talking about TVs and the convo went like this:
Me: Do you have a smart TV? Most of them have those streaming apps already installed.
Coworker: Nah, it's an ancient SmartTV. It's as smart as Forrest Gump.
Serious Coworker: Hey, that means it runs well.
My coworker and I: "...Nice."
Returning a Serb
Can I get some good christmas cracker-esque jokes? Any new ones and all the classics welcome.
Because he's on the Nautilus 🎄
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Imma start an aeroplane service exclusively for bald people
I'll call it "Receding Airlines"
I did my cares and then said "okay call me if you need anything, I'll be back".
So he said "Sure, I'll be Beethoven- you'll be Bach".
Jesus is walking in Jerusalem when he sees Benjamin Goldstein, the robemaker.
“Excuse me, Ben? I have been told that you are the man to see when you want to have robes that will last walking for miles and being touched by hundreds at a time”
Goldstein ponders for a minute, then an idea comes to him. He makes Jesus the most beautiful robes ever made, all colors and the softest but most durable material Jesus had ever seen. Jesus was grateful and wandered off to give sermons.
About a year goes by, and Jesus finds his way back to Goldstein. “Pardon me, Ben? The robes you made me were magnificent, but as all good things do, these are now well worn. Can you make me another?”
Goldstein takes a moment to plan out his masterpiece, then proceeds to make a second robe that put the first robe to shame. It almost glowed in the sunlight. While delivering it, he told Jesus, “you know, since I made your last robes, I have seen more customers come through my doors than I could ever have hoped for, and I’m sure I’ll get even more from these ones! Hey, Jesus! We should start a company!”
Jesus inquired “what should we call it?”
Goldstein shrugs and suggests, “how about Jesus and Goldstein’s robes?”
Jesus looks back and says, “let’s call it Lord and Tailor”
It’s your good eye mate.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Fine motor control
But it isn't a very good one.
Argon.
But all the good ones Argon.
but all the good ones argon.
