The good news is that you're going to live the rest of your life like a billionaire.

The bad news is .... it's Howard Hughes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to write a joke about people who live in the apartment upstairs.

But that’s another story.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm going to live forever.

Or die trying.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drake15296
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Live going to my salon
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/duckeee32
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed.

For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MANTHEFUCKUPBRO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
🚨︎ report
NRL player breaks arm live on TV. Host responds by stating "We're going to go to a break" youtube.com/watch?v=4BVjv…
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gmc_doddy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.

I'm in recovery.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When does Sky News go live?

I dunno, when they air?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/John_Denver1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
And now for some β€œin-depth” coverage, let’s go live to our reporter.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Domestic Skills

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

πŸ‘︎ 320
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A police car pulls over a miner and asks: What do you do for a living? Where are you going? Who’s car is that?

His answer: Mine.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sebakira
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I was wrestling with my 7 yr old just now and introduced him to "stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself."

I feel that i have passed the tradition down yet another generation. Im going to live forever!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I go door to door selling herbs for a living

Since it pulls in most of my profits, I tell people that I'm a professional thyme traveller.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FISHunderscore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Unfaithful Dad (long but worth it)

Son: Dad, there's a girl I like. She's so beautiful. I want to go out with her.

Dad: Who?

Son: The girl across our street, Taylor.

Dad: Oh no, you can't! Don't tell Mom, but she's your sister.

The son was furious, but a week passed and he fell in love again.

Son: Dad, I think I'm in love. She's even prettier than the last.

Dad: who?

Son: She lives next door; her name's Ariana.

Dad: Oh son, I'm sorry to tell you this but you can't date her either. She's your sister too! I'm sorry but it happened more than once.

The son was furious and decided to tell his mother.

Son: Mom, I hate Dad! I can't date the 2 girls I'm in love with just because they're Dad's daughters from different women.

Mom: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want… he's not your father!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

β€œI’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

β€œHoney,” I said, β€œit’ll never work.”

β€œWhy not?!”

β€œBecause you can’t rush Art.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter said it would be awesome if we could go see where Robin Hood used to live...

I said, "It Sherwood".

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
At first, I was afraid I was petrified. Kept thinking, I could never live without that post school drop off ride. Bet then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong.

And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to Pollution and overfishing, many jellyfish go their whole lives

Without meeting a peanutbutterfish

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie β€œup”

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, β€œJust take your Up, vote and go.”

πŸ‘︎ 810
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
At the pearly gates, Saint Peter asks new arrivals what they did for a living...

The first person says β€œI was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.

The second person says β€œI was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.

The third says β€œI was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”

St. Peter says β€œok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...

The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Iron Bowl humor

Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!

Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.

Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.

Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.

Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.

War Eagle!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joblessidiot420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Long joke ahead, but well worth it.

A while ago, there were some friars who needed to raise money, so they opened up a flower shop. Across the street, there was another flower shop that had already been open for a few years. Afraid of competition, the owner politely asked the friars to sell something else in heir shop. They refused. People liked the new flower shop better, so the first shop’s profits started dropping. Concerned that he might go out of business, the owner of the first shop asked the friars to close their shop. They refused. Some time passed, and the first shop was on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, the owner begged the friars to close their shop. They refused again. Then, the owner of the first shop used the last of his money to hire a hit man named Hugh Williams to beat up the friars and trash their shop. He did, and when he was done, he told the friars he’d be back if they didn’t close down. Scared for their lives, the friars agreed, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad is currently riding his bicycle across America to raise awareness for Colon Cancer...

[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)

Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/travellingby
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
🚨︎ report
WHY WOMEN ARE CLEVERER THAN MEN

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million Pounds." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to buy a new christmas tree...

The cashier asked me,

"Are you going to put it up yourself?"

I replied,

β€œDon’t be disgusting...I’m going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostPotency
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyLeo1337
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
"Anything these days," I told my son.

He frowned a little.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked.

There was a pause.

"Anything these days," I continued.

At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!"

There was a silence.

"This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the β€œAmerican dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackcrackaman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you catch a polar bear?

First, you go to the grocery store and get a bunch of canned peas. Then, you brave the ice and snow and go to where the bear lives. Then, when he’s not watching, cut a big hole in the ice and carefully place the cans of peas around the edge. Finally, when the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole ❄️

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kylieelaine3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Best joke of my life (kinda)

So at my school, we had a pipe burst.

Joke at the end of you want to skip

Now it's pretty normal in the midwest, where I live, to have this thing. It started with the fire alarm going off, because of the pressure decrease, and the school was evacuated. We were all eventually brought back, for it was cold. We sat in our gym for AN HOUR before being dismissed back to our classes.

So it's near the end of the day and I have gym class. And I'm having your normal conversation with a friend about the school's financial problems. And we were just talking about how the school is going to have to pay so much money for the new pipe and the ceiling tiles and the cleaning etc.

And then it was my moment to shine.

So the conversation is almost over and the friend says,

"It'll be a while before normal funds go back".

And I just say this:

"Yeah man, the school's money is going down the drain".

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourRoyalF0xy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Shoe Factory

I had just gotten out of college and I don’t live in nice of an area. I really needed money to be able to pay off my student loans for when I was going to have to apply for them.

  My Uncle recommended a shoe factory since it was nearby and the pay was pretty good for what I was doing. After the first year there I had to quit, my body and mind just couldn’t handle it. It was destroying my sole.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lemolo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."


(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Granddad dad jokes the whole family

So we were visiting my grandparents, and just sitting down engaging in general conversation. Out of the blue my granddad announces "There's going to be thousands of people in Bristol tonight." My grandmother asks "Why?" He replies "Because they live there."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_knox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
🚨︎ report
A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Junglejimirish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
🚨︎ report
The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Daughter joked

Sort of an inverse dad joke scenario here. My daughters seem to have hit a re-title theme. They are staying for the weekend. It started when I walked past them to go for a pee. They nodded in agreement, that was "The walking dad". Then I came back. "Return of the living dad".

Later on Friday, when it was time for them to head for bed. As they went upstairs, that was "Left for dad". The next night it was "Left for dad 2". They said it was ok, they knew I needed my time alone .. because obviously it was time for "Night of the living dad".

I've been out dad joked.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mogsington
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Two livestock farmers were sat in the pub arguing over the government’s upcoming ban on exporting live animals...

The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....

The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.

Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œThis time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.

The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says β€œdeal”.

The beef farmer carries on:

β€œActually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.

The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says β€œdeal”.

12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.

Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œWell, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...

So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I dad joked my wife hard last night.

We have her parents in town visiting, we also live about a mile from Johnny Cash's old house that burnt down some time ago. My wife was telling her mother about the house and how we could go take a look at it from our boat, she called to me in the back room and asked "Hunny, do you know how Johnny Cash's house burnt down?"

Without a seconds hesitation I yelled back "It was a fire".

I was proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My daughter and I can no longer take pictures with our phones for comedy reasons

Not a joke. A true story. My daughter asked me to take a photo of her because her hair was "on point". So I held the phone up and took half a dozen pictures as she posed.

Hilariously I had the camera pointing at me so she got my face looking serious. We laughed, started again, took some more pictures and obviously I did exactly the same thing. Comedy gold.

Of course now both of us are doing it every time we take a picture of anything with our phones. It's a downward spiral neither of us is prepared to break. I'm concerned I'm going to miss important moments in the lives of my as yet unborn grandchildren.

πŸ‘︎ 205
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cistercianmonk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Talking to a conductor at the train station

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

πŸ‘︎ 371
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChoozeGooze
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Color Pun Riddles

Q: What do you do if a piece of purple fruit gets stuck in the drain and clogs it?

A: Call the plumber.


Q: What do you do if you live in a purple house and the lights go out?

A: Go to the fuchsia box.


Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?

A: Make them do limeout.


Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?

A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.


(I've posted these on various places on the web outside of Reddit over the years under various screen names.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad at the fair when he was younger... he was destined to be a dad.

After winning a live fish at the fair, my dad and his friends go out for dinner.

Dad: Do you serve fish here?

Waiter: Yes.

Dad: Ok great, (holds up fish) he'll have the steak.

πŸ‘︎ 845
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Perks of being a Dog

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

..

..

..

..

A dog is like a β€œPOLITICIAN”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammabmma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Don't hit a pole!

My mum told me to try and not hit a pole as I was going out for a drive.

"Don't worry, no Polish people live around here."

She stared at me and shook her head.

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RaiTheThingy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
🚨︎ report
The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Animals puns for wedding tables...

We're having a Canadian wedding with an animal theme to differentiate the different tables. On each table we'll have an animal emblem with some kind of love pun for each animal. It's been a trying affair to come up with these, but I know a lot of them could be better. In fact, most of them are downright ridiculous.

Reddit, how can we improve these?

Moose - I find you amoosing.

Beaver - I think I'll pick this flower for her, it would beavery romantic.

Owl - Owl always love you.

Fox - You are the object of my affoxtion.

Skunk - I stink you're sweet!

Bunny - Everybunny loves you!

Woodpecker - Knock Knock! Who's there? Wood! Wood who? Wood you be mine?

Porcupuine. I'm stuck on you.

Wolf - Wolf you marry me?

Trout - We'll be together trout eternity!

Turtle - You're turtley amazing.

Lynx - Let us lynx our lives together.

Bear - To be away from you is unbearable.

Squirrel - I'm going nuts for you!

Raven - Can't stop raven about you.

Turkey - I could just gobble you up!

Caribou - Where does one find a wedding ring for his deer? Why at the cariboutique, of course.

Deer - I love you deerly!

Goose - You give me goose bumps.

Sasquatch - Getting you to marry me was no small feat.

Also looking for some ideas for racoon, snake, and groundhogs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TonyMcConkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
🚨︎ report
A rite of passage.

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

πŸ‘︎ 321
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyUserSucks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
After the stock market crash, the former millionaire was depressed

He was used to living the good life, and all the perks that go with it. His refined palette missed the fine dining, at five-star restaurants run by top chefs. Now reduced to eating macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, he looked down at his plate and contemplated suicide.

It was a wurst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
🚨︎ report
[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
🚨︎ report
[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife said this one was unbearable

Two naturalists spent the bulk of their lives studying bears in the Soviet Union. One was from Czechoslovakia and the other from Poland. When the USSR fell in December 1991 they were both old men, but they were excited about the prospect of finally getting the chance to study grizzlies in America. That following Spring they made arrangements to travel to Yellowstone to finally see the grizzlies.

When they arrived and informed the park rangers of their plan the rangers were alarmed, telling the scientists, "You can't go now. It's mating season, and the bears are very aggressive." But the former Soviets were insistent. "Please," they said, "We must go. We've waited our whole lives. We may never get another chance." Realizing the men couldn't be dissuaded, the rangers gave them a radio with instructions to report in with their location every day. The scientists set out, and for several days they reported dutifully that all was well.

On the third day, though, they failed to report in. Anxiously, the rangers sent out a search party to the scientists' last known location.

Unfortunately, the rangers discovered a bloody mess when they found the men's camp, and the tracks of two bears, a male and a female, leading off into the woods.

The rangers followed the tracks until suddenly they came upon the female grizzly, her muzzle still crimson with blood. They shot her and conducted an autopsy on the spot, sadly finding the remains of the Polish scientist inside her stomach.

"You know what this means, don't you?" said one ranger to the other. "Yes," the other replied, "The Czech is in the male."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keithdok
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad just did this...

My mom and I were in our living room watching TV. My dad was in the kitchen by himself. Suddenly we hear a yell from the kitchen and go running in to see my dad with a bloody paper towel around his finger...

Me: What happened!?

Dad: I cut my finger!

Mom: How!?

Dad: I wanted some cheese and crackers so I reached into the cheese drawer and I cut my hand.

Me: How did the cheese drawer cut your hand?

Dad: It didn't. I sliced it on the block of extra sharp cheddar!

Dad bursts out laughing

He then removed the paper towel to reveal his unharmed finger. He had dyed the paper towel with food coloring.

πŸ‘︎ 170
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pbs094
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend coming over

I live with my Dad, and my girlfriends coming over for a few days. I asked my dad if that was okay.

Me: So it's okay for her to come stay?

Dad: Yeah sure, but what are you going to do?

Me: Huh?

Dad: Well you're going to have to find something to do with yourself...

Me: Whyyy?

Dad: Well if she's coming over to see me for a few days I don't want you hanging around.

Me: -_-

Edit: Word and paragraphs

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RBII
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Expired dad jokes

Please post expired dad jokes here. My Dad expired in 2002 and I want his Dad jokes to live on. Here's one: "I need an aspirin." Dad: "Go sit on the stove." There are dozens of worse ones I'm going to recollect and post on this sub for the rest of my life. E.g., "What's the movie about?" Dad: "two hours." Needless to say, my family is suffering and will continue to suffer, thanks to my Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevekochscience
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
🚨︎ report
Asked my dad what my cousin's wedding was like...

Cousin recently got married. I live overseas and wasn't able to go. Asked my dad what the wedding was like.

"It was a bit weird, to be honest. They kept going on about cheese."

/mother, who also attended wedding, looks at him like 'wtf'

"Cheesus of Nazareth."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acover4422
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
🚨︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

β€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”

pauses for effect

β€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.”

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another β€˜incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bilgerat78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mark30322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: That's a big Christmas tree, Dad. Are you going to put it up yourself?

Dad: No, son. I'm going to put it in the living room.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YoungMuppet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!

Son: I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans?

Dad: I’m just going to..... live in the present.

πŸ‘︎ 100
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend was from America.

He lived in Florida. It was 106 degrees Fahrenheit.

His son said to him, "Dad it's too hot in here". The Dad replied saying, "Go down to the corner, it's only 90 degrees."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Donttouchthemouse
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve always been embarrassed of my dad around the holidays.

Like, last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, β€œAre you going to put it up yourself?” My dad replied, β€œDon’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeoulgiKorea
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad I think I have insomnia...

Dad: "You should go live in New York City then"

Son: "Why"

Dad: "Because its the city that never sleeps"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Edugon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: I can’t believe you bought me a house! Son: You’re welcome. How do you like it?

Dad: I’m going to live in the present.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
He got a bug

I work at an assisted living facility and the other day they were going to be spraying my unit for bed bugs (preventatively). But on the day the exterminator called out sick, and as I was going around informing residents one grinned and said β€œHe got a bug”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/polkinator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Christmas Tree

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter asked my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?" and my dad said "Don't be disgusting...I'm going to put it up in the living room!"

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harveythecomputer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.