What's the difference between a prostate and a garden hose?

There's a vas deferens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarthbane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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I get aroused by wrapping myself in an old, mangled garden hose

It's pretty kinky

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle...

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.

"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.

"Thanks!" the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2017
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My wife was turning on the garden hose for the season...

So I yell "God Bless You Mrs. Hosewater!"

She's not much of a Vonnegut fan but I was pretty proud of myself :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twerq
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2015
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I was heading to the department store to pick up some gardening supplies and my wife asked me to pick up one of those tangle free hoses.

I guess she isn’t into the kinky stuff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheapojoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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What kind of socks do gardeners wear?

Well, Garden hose, of course!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Why do pimps make good gardeners

They are used to garden hose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jordo32
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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I finally got my son to stop smoking!

I put him out with the garden hose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JesusIsChris
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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The race.

There was a race between a cabbage, a garden hose, and a tomato. It was close at the end the cabbage was ahead, the garden hose was running, and the tomato was trying to catch up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lepew13
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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One of the hoses was imported from Mexico!

I grow bonsai trees. Somewhere between 50-70 of them. My Dad was visiting the garden and asked how I watered them. I said I used two hoses, but one of them was Spanish. He asked "How can you tell?" I replied, "Well, there's Hose B and Hose A."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeroJoke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2016
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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While cleaning fish one day....

My dad is a all around generally funny guy but for me one of the funniest things he said to me was once while he was cleaning a bunch of fish he had caught. I was watching with wonderment how quickly he was going through the catfish he had caught that day. He was very seriously removing the head and skining them and gutting the fish. He had one particular fish's head on the cutting board seperated from the body and he had the completely gutted body of the fish in one hand and the garden hose in the other. He was running water on the inside cavity of the fish and the tail was twitching back and forth, he noticed my amusement at this and said to me with a sly grin,"they don't like that cold water on their belly." This may be one of those you had to be there moments but I thought it was hilarious at the time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elliott70
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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Dadjoked my sister the other day

I was out mowing the lawn the other day and I was getting close to running over a garden hose in the lawn. My sister came out, stopped me and said "watch out for the hose". To which I replied "Ya they'll take your money".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ricklethepickle
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
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