Free Beer Puns

It was the yeast he could do.

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "if you give me free beer I'll show you something really cool." The bartender agrees and the man pulls out a tiny pianist. The bartender asks him how he got that tiny pianist and he tells him there is a wizard outside granting wishes, imeddiately the bartender runs outside, he then comes back in 5 minutes later and says "I asked for 1 million bucks and he gave me 1 million ducks!" To which the man responds "you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

It's deer balls they're always under a buck.

Step 1: Start a beer company named Responsibly.

Step 2: Watch as every other beer company promotes you for free at the end of their commercials.

Step 3: Enjoy your yacht.

A plumber walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, I'm glad you're here. I wanted to know what it would cost for you to take a look at our sewer line that keeps backing up," the bartender says. "Well, it would be $100 an hour if I fix it right now," the plumber replies. "Otherwise it will be two weeks until I'm free." "Okay," the bartender replies. "I'll give you a ring in two weeks," and walks off. "Why didn't you have him fix it today?" a nearby waitress asks the bartender. "It's worth waiting two weeks to see if he's going to do it for free," the bartender replies.

A guy walks into a bar and orders the beer and dinner special. "Would you like to add on 10 free packs of Tic Tacs to your order today?" the bartender asks. "Free, really? Under what condition?" the guy skeptically asks. "Why, mint condition," the bartender replies.

In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!

Friend: I've been offered a free trial of contact lenses.

Dad: I prefer glasses. Contact lenses can't hold as much beer.

The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....

The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.

Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

“This time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.

The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says “deal”.

The beef farmer carries on:

“Actually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.

The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says “deal”.

12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.

Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

“Well, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...

So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.

I was at a bar the other night with my dad, when dad calls the bartender over to where we are sitting. He proceeds to ask her, "Are you running that special again today, first beer for the price of two and the second one is free?"

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding