COVID must have a lot of followers now,
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︎ Mar 11 2021
How do you get Facebook followers?
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︎ Dec 12 2020
How did Trump lose his followers?
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︎ Oct 02 2020
"Dark joke" How do you get 11 million followers?
Run through Africa with a water bottle.
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︎ Jul 28 2019
When Moses came down the mountain he noticed his followers had bad breath.
So he gave them the Ten Commandmints
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︎ Oct 19 2019
What did Vladimir Putin's followers tell his opposers?
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︎ Nov 17 2019
What do you call a follower of Jesus who wears a size XXXXXL?
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︎ Dec 04 2018
I still can't believe he tweeted this to his millions of followers.
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︎ Oct 14 2017
I told my husband I have 360 Twitter followers...
He told me I've really come full circle on that.
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︎ Mar 09 2015
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
π︎ 16k
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︎ Jan 22 2021
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
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︎ Jan 05 2021
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
- Always
- Coming
- From
- Take
- Me
- Down
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Youβll do a lot of dumb things in your youth, son, and thatβs okay, because most of the consequences wonβt follow you into adulthood. But you know what will always come back to haunt you?
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
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︎ Feb 24 2021
The following is not a spoiler
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︎ Mar 19 2021
What follows March 1st?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 01 2021
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I canβt think of any more other than pun-ch line
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︎ Nov 28 2020
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
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︎ Feb 13 2021
He followed the instructions word-for-word
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Wise men followed a Star-Bucks...
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I found it easier to follow my new year's resolution after I misspelled it.
I am now on a no-crab diet
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︎ Jan 12 2021
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
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︎ Apr 26 2020
I cloned myself and he is following me everywhere. To the garage, kitchen, bathroom....
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Person 1: βWill you follow me?β
Person 2: βNo Iβm gonna follow sleep.β
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Nauru is the most obese country in the world, followed by the Cook Islands.
Does that mean that the Cook Islands have a fat chance of catching up?
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Living with my friend Cole can be tough sometimes.
He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.
It's just Cole's law.
(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Company password
During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"
When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"
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︎ Mar 12 2021
Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion.
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Three old ladies were having a picnic when the following conversation took place.
First lady: Isnβt it a bit windy?
Second lady: I thought it was Thursday.
Third lady: Me too, letβs have a cup of tea.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
He's just following orders
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︎ Sep 13 2020
The other day my daughter asked me why the dog follows her around all the time.
I answered, because she (the dog) looks up to you.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Why does Lord Voldemort have Twitter, but not Facebook?
He only has followers, not friends.
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︎ Mar 04 2021
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
Consider the following
WD-40 is just wrench dressing.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...
βIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!β The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... βI am on the toilet. Please advise.β
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︎ Sep 03 2020
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
π︎ 55
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Doctors say some effects of COVID-19 may follow patients for life.
You could say it's a choronic disease.
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︎ Oct 26 2020
Browsing Home Depot.com...
Under Quikrete 80 lb hug strength concrete bags, I saw the following under Q&A
Q: How many feet are in a bag?
A: No feet, only concrete.
This sub doesnβt allow images, otherwise Iβd post it.
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︎ Apr 10 2021
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,
Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?
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︎ Sep 14 2020
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"
"Don't know he just ransomware"
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︎ Jul 11 2020
If youβre getting married consider the following...
...on one hand, you wear a super cool ring, on the other hand, you donβt
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︎ Aug 08 2020
A man brought his trike to a 4 Wheeler convention but was refused at the door for not following the dress code.
They told him that he was missing attire
π︎ 12
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︎ Sep 09 2020
One of my own tweets. (follow me @tidytuanzebe)
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︎ Jul 12 2020
The director told me to follow the pencil with my eyes.
Honestly, I couldnβt see the point.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
A large bird follows me wherever I go.
I think Iβm being storked.
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︎ Sep 12 2020
A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like
Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.
One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.
It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.
The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.
The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
The Egyptian government has asked Cairoβs taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.
Operation Toot And Calm βEm will last a week.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
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︎ Feb 01 2021
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