COVID must have a lot of followers now,

it went viral.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Golden_Renegade
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get Facebook followers?

(Asking for a friend)

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Trump lose his followers?

He did it by going viral

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sq009
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
"Dark joke" How do you get 11 million followers?

Run through Africa with a water bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lilcrazy1995
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
When Moses came down the mountain he noticed his followers had bad breath.

So he gave them the Ten Commandmints

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Vladimir Putin's followers tell his opposers?

Quit Putin him down!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyfavoriteThings0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a follower of Jesus who wears a size XXXXXL?

A colossal apostle

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/upstReam2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I still can't believe he tweeted this to his millions of followers.

http://imgur.com/a/wPzCC

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakersTuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my husband I have 360 Twitter followers...

He told me I've really come full circle on that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuckOFace
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
🚨︎ report
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
  1. Always
  2. Coming
  3. From
  4. Take
  5. Me
  6. Down
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
You’ll do a lot of dumb things in your youth, son, and that’s okay, because most of the consequences won’t follow you into adulthood. But you know what will always come back to haunt you?

A ghost boomerang

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.

"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WideEyedWand3rer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
The following is not a spoiler

Not a spoiler

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nimsabop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What follows March 1st?

March: 2, 3, 4!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnyabcde
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huiplayshd1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HairyClefairy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
He followed the instructions word-for-word
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Wise men followed a Star-Bucks...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I found it easier to follow my new year's resolution after I misspelled it.

I am now on a no-crab diet

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObviouslySyrca
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.

They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otherwise-Sherbet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I cloned myself and he is following me everywhere. To the garage, kitchen, bathroom....

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..

It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AhSparaGus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Person 1: β€œWill you follow me?”

Person 2: β€œNo I’m gonna follow sleep.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PenguinMan3188
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Nauru is the most obese country in the world, followed by the Cook Islands.

Does that mean that the Cook Islands have a fat chance of catching up?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bananarang1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Living with my friend Cole can be tough sometimes.

He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.

It's just Cole's law.

(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthur_nemosnax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Company password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"

When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

πŸ‘︎ 581
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsAndIT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion.

They're in sects.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeoplesHero87
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Three old ladies were having a picnic when the following conversation took place.

First lady: Isn’t it a bit windy? Second lady: I thought it was Thursday. Third lady: Me too, let’s have a cup of tea.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dusk118
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
He's just following orders
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day my daughter asked me why the dog follows her around all the time.

I answered, because she (the dog) looks up to you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1hero4hire
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Lord Voldemort have Twitter, but not Facebook?

He only has followers, not friends.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.

I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Consider the following

WD-40 is just wrench dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... β€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymouspapayaz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the man get sent back to his home country for following his high school girlfriends life rules?

It was his ex-tradition

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctors say some effects of COVID-19 may follow patients for life.

You could say it's a choronic disease.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Browsing Home Depot.com...

Under Quikrete 80 lb hug strength concrete bags, I saw the following under Q&A

Q: How many feet are in a bag?

A: No feet, only concrete.

This sub doesn’t allow images, otherwise I’d post it.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M-comment
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanakiin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"

"Don't know he just ransomware"

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/magop7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re getting married consider the following...

...on one hand, you wear a super cool ring, on the other hand, you don’t

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-oT-w-GoD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man brought his trike to a 4 Wheeler convention but was refused at the door for not following the dress code.

They told him that he was missing attire

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
One of my own tweets. (follow me @tidytuanzebe)
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ekbfut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The director told me to follow the pencil with my eyes.

Honestly, I couldn’t see the point.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dunadan37x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A large bird follows me wherever I go.

I think I’m being storked.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slobberchops_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A salutary lesson. Posted to r/jokes, probably more Dad-like

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe would celebrate by dancing under the stars, or in one of their large, grass-covered spirit houses.

One day, the Imaqi took their Satari shaman's sceptre. The following day, the Satari not only stole the sceptre back, but also the Imaqi chief's regalia.

It went back and forth, until, on a rare and daring escapade, three Imaqi warriors stole the Santari chief's throne. They put it on display, above their chief's throne in the spirit house.

The Imaqi thought that this was hilarious, and as it was beginning to rain, made merry and danced in the spirit house. Suddenly, the heavy throne on display fell down and killed a number of the dancing revelers.

The moral should be obvious: those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_jq
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, β€œDoctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, β€œSorry, I don’t follow you."

πŸ‘︎ 798
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report

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