Florence Night in jail.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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What did Andy Griffith say when he caught his son taking drugs?

"Opie, um..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/copenhagen_bram
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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My son was dating Edith when he met a babe named Kate.

I told him you can't have your Kate and Edith too!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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Found Martin Griffiths on comic con, he did commissions and drew me a tattoo :D
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Albme94
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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I saw this beautiful woman at a bar while travelling through Italy...

She had perfect Naples, my jaw hit the Florence. I offered to buy her a drink but she scoffed, Turin away from me. I Romed the streets alone that night, feeling more than a little Sicily.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sjmaeff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
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Several religious groups are banding together to outlaw adult toys.

Their reasoning is the Bible says, "It's Adam and Eve, not Florence + the Machine."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Qualekk
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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Andy's aunt on The Andy Griffith Show got poison ivy on her arm and all she did was complain...

She was Bee-itchy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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Thanks to the Andy Griffith Show, Ron Howard...

...was the first OP.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Rename Hurricane Florence to "cowboys"

It won't touchdown

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendenmefford
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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Do you know Andy Griffith's wife?

OP's mom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elliot91
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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Why is the river in Florence called the Arno?

Because there are no fish in it.

For reference: the river is dirty as fuck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dysentery_Larry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
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Favorite punny Halloween costume ideas?

Mine is probably the Ceiling Fan. "GO CEILINGS!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpeakerftDead
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2012
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My dad's crowning moment

driving down I-75 when we passed fire trucks outside of an urban active gym

Mom: Look at all of those fire trucks!

Dad: wow, they must really be burning those calories!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r2deetard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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Have you seen all the flooding down south from the hurricane?

Florence?! Looks more like Venice to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hahsakaa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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Whats yellow, has four legs, flys, and weighs a thousand pounds?

Two 500lb canaries πŸ˜‚ (Joke may or may not have been stolen from The Andy Griffith Show S2 EP5 "Barney on the Rebound")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikebuttmunching
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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Roaming minutes

My dad is out of the country with a cruise and texted me. I told him to Facebook message me so as to not waste his roaming minutes.
His response: Roming on Friday. Florencing tomorrow. Francing today." I laughed in my cubicle and refused to explain why.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chops51991
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
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My dad got me with this one over skype

Dad and I talking about an upcoming Italy trip over skype.

Dad: Yeah I would like to visit Florence as well

Me: oh, Florence is amazing, I loved it there!

Dad:did you see the machine?

Me: (confused) machine? what machine?..........oh for fucks sake.

Dad laughs, I facepalm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Himrion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2015
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Gelato joke

My son, currently 'enduring' a semester abroad in Florence, Italy, messages me: "Remind me to tell you about the history of gianduja. It's absurd."

My response: "Yeah, I heard it's kind of nutty."

No applause, please. I'll be here all week. Try the lasagna.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChallahWave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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