I'm going to cancel my membership on this low stakes UK gambling website.
Cockadoodle-do-do.
The other said, "I could be suede."
I think it might’ve been a Thai
100 pounds of feathers.
>! 100 pounds of feathers because now you carry the weight of what you did to all those poor birds.!<
There's a 100% chance you'll get boo'ed off the stage
1st joke: A farmer sends out his sheepdog to round up the sheep
The sheepdog comes back and says "I did it! I rounded up all 100 sheep!"
Then the farmer says "but we only have 97 sheep"
Then the dog says "I know, I rounded them up!"
2nd Joke:
What do you call an Australian guy in prison?
An Inmate.
In his honor I found this compilation of his 100 best jokes
https://youtu.be/7GfWXN5Lp1s
The sheep dog is tired and says "boss I've finally got all 100 sheep in the barn."
The farmer confused says "that's great but we only have 97 sheep."
The dog replied "yeah I know I rounded them up"
Long ago, the 118 nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the synthetic elements attacked..
Only the Chemist, master of all 118 elements could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished.
100 years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Chemist, a potassium bender named Anion. And although his potassium bending skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he’s ready to save anyone.
But I believe Anion can save the world!
A waist of money.
Yea, I was out back taking a break and at least 50 crows flew by, maybe 100.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse...
And only the rich had cars.
Now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.
100% of people who have lost at Russian roulette have had their minds blown.
You could do that too if you had 100 feet.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
My hairline
I asked her if she could count to 100. She said "sure it's easy: One, two, missed a few, ninety nine, a hundred!"
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
I must have done this stupid joke with the studfinder to my wife about a 100 times now and yet it still amuse me every time. Am I just simple? Also don't worry my studfinder definitely still works just tested it
One of them comments, while the walk over by a street, on the way to a bar: “I found a $100 bill right here a few weeks ago”
His friend said: “what did you do with them”
The other replied: Well, as a good Christian I thought to myself ‘what would Jesus do?’”
“And?”, inquired his buddy.
“And I did it. I turned them into wine”
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed!
$100 down the drain.
Actual story about today, so...yay....
She gave 100%
Here's the background:
Before my wife and I were dating, but after we had officially met, I saw her at my regular pool hall one night. She was wearing some "worn in" jeans with all kinds of holes in the legs. At some point during the night, I approached her.
> Me: "Did you know that your jeans have holes in them?"
> Her: (confused) "Yeah..."
> Me: "Did you know that it's very distracting?"
I then walked away and proceeded to not talk to her at all the rest of the night and just let the idea simmer.
Fast forward 2.5 years >>>
We were married and expecting our first child. When we discovered she was pregnant, I thought it'd be a good idea to get our genomes checked out by 23andme to see if we were carriers of anything.
I was reading the results out to her and started with myself. I was fascinated by how perfectly I was described by the report. Almost every physical aspect was right on the money.
I then started reading her results. And it was a perfect match... for her sister. The results didn't describe my wife at all, but they did almost 100% match her (not a twin) sister. I chuckled to myself and looked at her.
> Me: Do you know what this means?
> Her: What?
> Me: Your genes have holes in them.
I consider this my crowning achievement in both dad jokes and overall pundom. I don't think I'll ever top that one.
It goes 100 feet per second.
"Oh yeah?!?! I bet you $100 I don't!!!"
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus the pawnbroker to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
The inventor of sprinkles passed away. 100s and 1000s attended his funeral.
“How tall was it?” His friend asked.
“Over 100 stories!” he answered.
And his friend said “wow, that’s a tall library!”
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!
$100 ! Isn't that a bit expensive I asked.....Yes it is he replied, now what's your 3rd question.
No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.
A $100 bill went to heaven and was heading towards the gate when St. Peter stopped him. The bill said "What's the matter?". And St. Pete said, "You can't go in". And the bill replied, "Why not? I've done nothing wrong. I was given to charity for the poor and I've been with the richest people on Earth". Right then, a $20 bill was passing by, and St. Peter stopped him as well. "What does this mean? I've been good with everyone and I've been given to the poor more times than the $100 bill". But St. Pete had none of it. Right then, a $1 bill was passing by and it too was stopped. "I've been given to the poor more times than any of these combined! This is outrageous!". And right then, an old, dirty and rusty pennie was passing through the gates, jumping with joy. He stopped for a moment and smiled at St. Pete. And St. Pete smiled back, as the pennie leaped into heaven. All the other bills were confused and enraged. And when they asked St. Pete why that filthy little coin was let in, and not them, St. Peter responded: "He was the only one to go to mass".
I hope you have a nice day!
P.S: No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.
A 100 dollar bill
He bet $100 I would lose that chess match.
The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.
“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”
The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”
Turns out 100% of people get angry when their tents fall down.
He walked into the police station and yelled "help! I'm on five per cent!" First, a cop punched him. Then, one of them plugged him in to a power bank Suddenly he had reached 100%. It was a miracle They charged him with assault and battery
100 sows and bucks.
John saw a tornado out the window of Frank’s house and said to Frank
“Jesus man! that’s an F5! We gotta get to cover Frank!”
Tornado rapidly approaches within 100 yards
John was looking for the cellar door and found 2 different ones
“For Fuck’s sake Frank which is the best cellar!?”
With the tornado bearing down on them, Frank sprang into action and grabbed the latest James Patterson novel.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.
A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.
She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.
We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.
I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.
But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.
The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...
She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
100%
He wasn’t feeling 100%
