Fixing a Hole Puns

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

With a pumpkin patch!

... Look, it's spooky season. Going for thematic rather than good 😉

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

I had just finished drilling a hole in the back side of my desk to pass the keyboard and mouse cables through.

Me: Would you like me to modify your desk too?

Wife: uuuuuhhh...

Me: The correct answer is "yes".

Wife: Oh! Yes I desperately need my desk fixed.

Me: DESK-perately?

Wife: Deskperately...

Me: Ok, I'll do anything for a damsel in deskstress.

My apartment is currently having radiator problems and while discussing it via email, one of my buddies made the following typo: "...I'm more interested in when they will Putin [sic] a new floor lest we repeat the multi-week hole in the ceiling experience."

To which I reply: "Like roommate, I'm wondering when they'll fix the floor but my guess is that they're just Stalin while they wait for the radiator situation to be worked out."

Uncle was showing me the new laptop he had purchased. I was giving him some tips on Windows 8 and certain apps he could download.

He commented on a hole in the drywall near his desk:

Uncle, "Is there an app that can fix holes in drywall?"

Me, "No...you'll have to download a patch."

Pause. Groan. Laughter.

I was so proud.