What do you call a couple that practices natural family planning?

Suddenly qualified to tell dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dukeofgibbon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm planning to open a coffee house near the family courthouse.

I'm going to call it 'Grounds for a Divorce.'

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HumboltQuadrant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Planning a family get together and my sister outdadded my dad

http://imgur.com/s88mg8Y

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/azmanz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My auntie asked how many lines are on our family plan

I said "80, auntie"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/horthianflorff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My family asked what my plans were for the next three years

I told them, "Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jramey97
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
🚨︎ report
A family friend was telling us about her weight loss plans today...

Dad: "Well, now that you've started your diet, I guess we'll be seeing a lot less of you!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ladygunshooter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my way to a Pub Quiz victory

Sorry to toot my own horn, but I really liked this.

The pub quiz guy was reading out the answers.

Him: "The answer to question 29 is Niki Lauda"

Me: "Niki what?"

Him: "Lauda"

Me: "NIKI WHAT?"

He gave us half a point for that joke. We won by a quarter of a point. Boom!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elquiche
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Need some help. Life's been difficult.

My family/town has socially alienated me for my sexuality. This has lead to quite a couple of problems, as you could imagine.

I've been behind on my taxes for quite a bit and it was only a matter of time before the government found out. They've been having a field day confiscating all my belongings.

That leaves me on the street.

I make enough money panhandling and doing under the table stuff to get me food every day and even enough to pay for an unlimited data plan, which I'm using to write this.

I need support. I can't continue on like this.

Life's not easy.

Especially if you're a homelessexual like me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PsychedOutToast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Who wears the pants

Just before his son got married, Dad decides it’s time to, have the talk. He says β€œ Son, 30 years ago when I married your mother. I knew I had to let it be known, who wears the pants in this family, and as soon as we got home, I took off my pants and tossed them to her to put on. To which she replied” I can’t wear your pants.” I told her β€œ That’s right and don’t you ever forget it.” Son decided to follow that advice because, his mom and dad have had an amazing marriage.... So,as soon as he and is new bride crossed the threshold. He sends her to the bed, takes his paints off, and tosses them to her. As if planned she says” I can’t wear your pants”. To which his reply wasβ€œ That’s right and don’t you forget it.” As if turned on, she pulls her panties down really slow and then tosses them to him to put on. To which he replied β€œI can’t get in your panties.” And the new bride boldly said β€œ and if you don’t change your attitude... You never will.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/12know2
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
True story

A friend set me up with this girl and we start texting to make plans to go out. She says "I'm busy packing right now, I'm visiting my family in Alaska next week."

Of course, I replied "That sounds fun! When you get back Alaska bout it!"

And I never heard from her again.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jabonko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Clean kill

My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sierragirl78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My great uncle just dadjoked me with this email.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you

can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be

driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends,

family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much

on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit

there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to

stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin

flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's

an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! LOVE EACH OTHER! YEP!

My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty

things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head -

we're all doing pretty well in mine!

Just kidding. All my travel plans are to doctors and the bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dantheman757
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my Step-Dad the Other night

We were sitting in the living room and planning out some of the family events this year and he asks "what day does Christmas land on this year" and I look at him and say " the 25th..." he just looked at me and smiled and shook his head.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hira32
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Discussing bridal showers

At Thanksgiving dinner, my fiancee was discussing our wedding plans with the family.

Aunt: "We should definitely give you a shower!"

Uncle: "Yeah, she smells awful."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ModusPwnins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked a friend, then a few days later, karma dad-joked me spectacularly in return

I just came back from a holiday back to the UK to visit friends and family (am an expat).

While we were there we went to a nice community festival, with some great beers. An American friend of a friend proudly proclaimed that he’d bought a pint of red stout.

Looking up at the board, and seeing the name of the beer, my eyes lit up: a golden opportunity had just presented itself.

β€˜Nah mate, that’s not red stout, it’s called Red Stoat. You do know what a stoat is, right?

[confusion]

β€˜Well, it’s a little rodent, a bit like a weasel. You know how you can tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?’

β€˜Er..’

β€˜Well’, I says, β€˜a weasel is weasily identifiable, and a stoat is stoatally different.’

Cue a puzzled look on the guys face, and a moment’s silence, broken by me and my friend pissing ourselves laughing, not at the joke of course, but at his reaction.

So this was all very well and good, just another in the litany of bad jokes that floats in my wake, and I thought the story ended there.

Karma, however, had other plans…

A few days later, we’re up in the Lake District, walking back to the hotel after a pub dinner. As we’re walking down the road, we see a small carnivorous rodent dragging the recently deceased body of a rabbit back to its home. It was either a stoat, or a weasel, but you know what? I honestly had no way to tell which…

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bimshire
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad's Anchorman Joke

My sister, who has never seen 'Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy' the movie, was telling my family her plan to see it.

Sister: "Tomorrow I'm going to watch the first Anchorman and then we're going to Anchorman 2"

Dad: "Then she's going to Anchormanagment"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.