Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
πŸ‘︎ 793
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What organ in your body enlarges four times when you are excited?

Your pupils

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Docfess
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Imagine how excited Barn Owls were....

....when humans invented barns ?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I get so excited for spring...

I wet my plants

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Paleran
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get your child excited to go to church?

Tell them they are going to the prayground

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tygerhavvk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy club.

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anytime200
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What animal is most excited about the alphabet?

A manatee

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBlackCat13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What does the mother brush say to her overly excited kids ?

Comb down

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YeetMyPeePee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I was excited to get a large can of fine meat from Amazon.

But it turned out to be spam.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.

Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?

"No... Why..?"

Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/der_innkeeper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Everyone's excited that 2020 is ending...

...but forget that the year after 2021 is 2020 too

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZackAshM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the groom excited to take over his new brides cylindrical wooden rod factory

Because it was her dowelry.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...

he can't have my nose, I need it!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FTM-Oct2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m excited it see Pun: The Musical

It’s a play on words

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobby_vance
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m excited for Jan 1, 2021

Then I can finally say that hindsight is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tkseizetheday
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently Orion wasn't too excited about his new belt.

He only gave it 3 stars.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year.

It's the first time they'll see 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikkobe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Frankenstein was excited

It was his first 'body-building' competition.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sne4a
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she wanted to take me out. I was so excited...

Until I saw the body bag.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was very excited to finally introduce our kids to her sister...

It was Auntie Climactic.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinjesus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called β€œ69 Mating Positions”.

Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I know an archaeologist who found a human leg bone during an excavation. The other archaeologists got excited and went over to help him.

Turned out to be quite the shin dig.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tenglempls
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.

Im beside myself

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSketchiest
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My date was really excited when I invited her over for cocktails, but she left extremely disappointed.

She didn’t want to hear stories about my rooster.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I got an antique dosimeter from USSR and I was pretty excited.

Then I noticed it only measures comrads.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GentleMonsta
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, β€œTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, β€œWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, β€œBecause...he’s my newt!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I've never been excited over drill bits...

...I've always considered them to be boring tools.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
We were all excited about our mountaineering trip, but then our friend Max chickened out.

He has always been an anti climb Max.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
So excited
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2018
🚨︎ report
In NYC, after these difficult times many people were excited the Lego store was finally reopening.

People were outside lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn’t too excited when I caught on fire.

In fact, I was blazΓ©.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?

Well, that seals the deal!

It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NePasToucher
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re excited for the Dungeons in D&D...

Imagine Dragons

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabled_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you seen how excited Alaskans get about their hobbies?

They get very Inuit.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArmlessGuy12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
So excited
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mediocrementor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m so excited it’s spring time

I just wet my plants.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Youtile
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife was so excited when Spring came,

that she wet her plants.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Why were the group of coroners excited?

Because it was open Mike night!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boop66
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club.

It was open Mike night!

πŸ‘︎ 194
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited to be at our autopsy club this evening.

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 350
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was excited to join the Autopsy Club

Wednesday’s are Open Mike Night.

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Formaldefortress
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
So excited for autopsy club!

It's open mike night!

πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was so excited that 2020 is almost over.

Then I realized after 2021 is 2020 too.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

it was open Mike night

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/velvettriangles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club...

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the overly excited Gardner do when spring finally came?

He wet his plants!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaden-YoungBlood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited about the Autopsy Club meeting...

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrivateTumbleweed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited about the Autopsy Club meeting...

It was open open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrivateTumbleweed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report

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