My doctor asked me if I drank to excess....

I said, "I'd drink to anything."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Whenever I cook, I'm always left with excess herbs.

Guess I just have great Thyme management.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourpaljenkins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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My mechanic tells me my engine keeps stalling because of excess friction.

Now I know I'm getting some wear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavideoandPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I had a habit of excess masturbation but I'm glad I was able to beat it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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Excess weight could soon be Canada’s second leading preventable cause of cancer, report says

It’s a heavy problem

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KfirLA
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.

Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Two friends are out shopping. One says, β€œMan there are ALOT of extra small clothes here...” and the other says β€œI know right, there’s an XS!” (excess)

I just came up w it today and I’m proud of it ok bye

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sothg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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My friend died by consuming excess amounts of Calcium Carbonate.

He chalked himself to death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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Despite much doubt concerning the legality of his excess consumption of Greek cuisine, it was indeed..

... fully lawful to feel awful after getting full off all that falafel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/filmmakersbleed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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How do you drink to excess in the Republic of China?

You Taiwan on!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigwhistle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2016
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RIP
πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Looks like someone's working his ass off
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/applicantx
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Mom vs Excessive Yogurt choices
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elr3y
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.

Her: How expensive?

Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000.

Her: You could buy a car for that!

Me: That's a bit excessive -- I don't think it needs its own car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/which_spartacus
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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I've been spending an excessive amount of time in the bathroom today...

I guess I'm just full of shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thenerdnextdoor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Why did the vulture get charged extra on the airplane?

He had an excessive amount of carrion luggage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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A wizard dies and they lock up his ashes in a lamp

The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says β€œI know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist β€œHow did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says β€œOh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordoflethargy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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Dad joked my pregnant wife

My wife is going to see a nutritionist to see how her diet can affect the fetus. As she was heading out the door, I said, "Hope your appointment is fruitful!"

She glared as she closed the door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guywithatie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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A boat with overweight people on it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freeside1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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My friend is sick so I tried to cheer her up. She did not respond.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorexicBuddha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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A jockey was disqualified after training his horse to attack other riders

It was an excessive use of horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maggock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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Grammer is important

I was joking that my probable cause of death was going to be strangulation by my fiance from excessive dad jokes. This was her reply to it, so I had to do it. When they find my body, tell them it was suicide :P

Her: Come hear so I can strangle you

Me: [ear emoji] Ear you go

https://imgur.com/MUuFq4o

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engieviral
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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Why do ducks make bad plumbers?

Because they leave your waterfowl, the bill is always on the front end, and they have excessive plumbers quack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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Vet: Are you here about your dog’s salivation issues?

Me: No, I’m sure he’s going to heaven. Can you fix his excessive slobbering?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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Color Pun Riddles

Q: What do you do if a piece of purple fruit gets stuck in the drain and clogs it?

A: Call the plumber.


Q: What do you do if you live in a purple house and the lights go out?

A: Go to the fuchsia box.


Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?

A: Make them do limeout.


Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?

A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.


(I've posted these on various places on the web outside of Reddit over the years under various screen names.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Did you hear about the store that ordered way to much small clothing?

They have excess XS.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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My dad on holes

I was driving to the gym with him and saw a big hole where some cobstruction* was under way for a new building. I thought it was strange that there weren't any piles with the excess dirt, and said "I wonder what they do with all of the dirt."

My dad had a pretty solid grasp on things- "I think they bury it"

  • Construction. Leaving the typo so comments on it make sense.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PressF1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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Dad is full of hot air

I was having dinner with a friend's family. Her grandmother starts telling us about her secret to cooking digestible beans. She says the secret is to boil them with a little baking soda to release excess gas.

Her dad is listening and perks up when she says this. "you know her real secret right? She only cooks 239 beans at a time"

We all look at him puzzled, grandma included.

"Well if she cooked one more they would be too farty!" (240)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-MOPPET-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2015
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Spilled some BBQ sauce on my plate

So I asked for a bowl or dish to scoop up the excess sauce into.

My aunt handed me a little tiny plate and said "Its not a bowl, but this should do"

"That's okay, this SAUCE-er will work just fine!"

They loved it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willybusmc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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Just stumbled on this sub. It's the reason my Dad exists.

So the joke goes "You know, James Madison was a naturalist. A lot of people don't know that. He really loved the environment and care a lot about wildlife. In fact, he tried to put protecting wildlife into the bill of rights, but a lot of people don't know that he was dyslexic too. So when he was writing the 2nd amendment he wrote the right to bear arms, but what he meant was the right to arm bears!"

Just went on a tour of revolutionary battlegrounds (truly amazing if you ever get the chance) and that joke was told in excess of 50 times, no exaggeration.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyrusGreat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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Was talking to a friend when she told me about an experience she had in Germany.

Whenever her boyfriend would go to buy something at a convenience store, the clerk would ask if he wanted a receipt. He would always say "Nein." My friend would respond with, "Nine? That's a lotttt of receipts. Don't you think that's a little excessive?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/THUNDERRGIRTH
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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I had a habit of excess masturbation but I'm glad I was able to beat it.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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Doctor: I can’t seem to find what is wrong with you. But it could be the excess alcohol consumption.

Man: No worries. I’ll come back when you are sober.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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