Ever to Excel Puns

My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:

Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.

I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.

Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

Text conversation between me and my friend in my computer science class while we are doing an excel spreadsheet.

My friend: Hey I really messed up this spreadsheet can you send it to me when you're finished? Me: Yeah sure if I ever finish it haha. My friend: Word thanks Me: No this is Excel.

I could hear her groan from across the room.

So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.

So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.

After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.

Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.

"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"

I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.

At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."

I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.

The funniest and cutest wedding puns by Puns Ville

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left

Marriage is: Finding the one person to ANNOY for the rest of your life!

To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence.

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

Honeymoon: The holiday a man takes before he begins to work for a new boss.

When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Cantelope.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe

To many girls think the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.

Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.

When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry, it was love at second sight.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’.  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is

One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe. She was very sweet to him. They fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant. You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli. The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again.

However, the young lovers were determined to see each other. Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other. This went on for many years.

Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli. He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR. However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe! He made Melon swear a Royal Oath—an unbreakable promise—to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that.

That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened. She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused.

“I love you, but I swore a Royal Oath. I’m sorry, dear, but I Cantaloupe.”

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra

*What