Empties Puns

Just one cause then your stomach wont be empty.

He wants full custardy.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)

Excel: The glass is January 2nd

I told him that it was because he was a pessimist.

The optometrist says, “you both need glasses!”

The goal is clear.

Or will you suck seed?

(Told this to my wife while we were making dinner and I couldn't stop laughing. She may have broken a smirk and muttered something about divorce).

Due to covid, our family has decided to go cashless..

(Chinese dad joke. Happy new year)

Cheese Was.

They're devoid.

Cheez was

Because there's not a single person there

Ps. I wasn't invited either

There was nothing in it

I ate it anyway.

I guess you could consider it ... unfortunate.

(true story, but also felt like a dad joke)

One. Because after that it’s not empty anymore.

Because of all the recycled material on this sub.

Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked

There was literally nothing Dubai.

One has nose cones and the other has no scones.

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

But now he’s glue tin free.

They’re so remarkable!

My dad: "People must be dying to get in."

Therapist: A void?

Me: That’s good advice. Thanks.

"You need to buy a different size bra!"

A hand sani-teaser....

....

....

Because you think you're going to get your hand sanitized, but you don't, cause it's empty, so it's teasing you...

Yeah?

Yeah?

aww....

Cents

He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me

When he was finished, he looked at the other dog and said, “Clean up that mess.”

The other dog sniffed the pile and said, “Nope. That’s your asphalt!”

It's called godzillow

King Philip III

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

Now it's just a waist of space.

but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!

You look drunk.

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

I told her because she is a pessimist.

I said because she is a pessimist.

Because there’s not a single person there

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

You can’t find a single person in it.

Because there wasn’t a single person there

Because there isn't a single person in the room

There's not a single person there

Because there isn't a single person there.