My WhatsApp emojis asked me how I feel
I told them I am very smiley today
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
Her: Be mean to me. [heart eyes emoji] Him: You're average.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
Why was the drummer arrested for emoji abuse?
He kept hitting the cymbals
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Iβm hoping in the next iOS update Apple releases they include more jack o lantern emojis.
But I donβt want to count my pumpkins before they patch.
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︎ Oct 30 2019
What is a happy Australian's favourite emoji?
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︎ Apr 24 2019
Me sharing article: emoji snake takes 8 years to breed
Dad: Wow, that snake is so slow... It took me only a few hours to start breeding once I was married...
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︎ Feb 02 2018
Sir Patrick Stewart got into a fight with an audience member at 'The Emoji Movie' premiere...
...apparently the shit hit the fan.
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 04 2017
Patrick Stewart must've been great in the Emoji Movie
all the reviews are mentioning his character
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 19 2017
My dad recently discovered emoji on iPhone
π︎ 32
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︎ Jan 01 2014
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Guy: "What rhymes with orange?"
π︎ 138
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︎ Dec 30 2020
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says we don't serve food here
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
DOES ANYONE ELSE FORGET THE ABBREVIATION FOR MAINE?
π︎ 63
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Tap on the screen
π︎ 527
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Ainβt nothing but a heart break
π︎ 5k
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︎ Sep 18 2020
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
Well that crash landed
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
It does doesnβt it π€
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 26 2020
Just bought some new blackout curtains.
The difference between them and my old ones is like night and day.
(My wife just bought us some yesterday, I sent her this via text and she sent me an eye roll emoji)
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︎ Nov 16 2020
Figure out the joke yourself
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
How does the moon cut its hair?
π︎ 94
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︎ Sep 03 2020
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 28 2020
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 06 2020
Hazard a guess what Humpty Dumpty's favourite month is
October. Why? Because he had a great fall. πβ
π―
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Told my wife to message the lawn person
Because we are taking our fence down.
She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?
I said: is that really an emojency?
38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.
π︎ 96
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 26 2019
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Aug 26 2019
I think itβs weird that we call childbirth delivery.
It should have been called takeout instead.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Sep 15 2019
Dont get mad at lazy people
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︎ Mar 02 2020
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
Was pretty proud of this exchange on a dating app tonight
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 18 2018
Opened a can of worms...
They just sat there. Hardly the chaos that's beem advertised.
π︎ 39
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︎ Mar 07 2020
Would you rather eat a baby goat or a madder baby?
Them: whatβs a madder baby?
Me: Nothing sugar, whatβs a matter with you? π
Sorry if this might be a repost, I didnβt make it up but itβs one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. Itβs really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like βwhat the fucks a madder baby?β
E: added the emoji cuz itβs good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
Snowballs differentiating snow-man from snow-woman.. But the kid didn't carrot all!
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 14 2020
Why was the Millennium Falcon easier to fly after the Force Awakens?
π︎ 113
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︎ Sep 10 2019
The wife loves my dad jokes
Her: can you check the dryer
Me: yep! Itβs a dryer!
Her: (facepalm emoji)
Me a few minutes later: I checked again. Itβs still a dryer
Her: (eye roll emoji)
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︎ Dec 06 2019
Someone's really changing the game
π︎ 2k
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︎ May 19 2017
"Hey man can you give me that piece of paper?"
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︎ Aug 22 2019
So I had a physical the other day
After the checkup, my doctor recommended I up my coffee intake to two pots a day, eat more saturated fats, and start smoking.
I'm beginning to suspect he knows about me and his wife.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 26 2019
How To Be Cool:
A) Cool Sunglasses Emoji
B)
π︎ 49
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︎ Jun 14 2019
Which movie was just a big ad?
The Incredible Hulk. It was one giant banner.
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︎ Dec 14 2018
Over 1,500 people died on the titanic
π︎ 20
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︎ Feb 17 2019
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![Her: Be mean to me. [heart eyes emoji] Him: You're average.](https://i.redd.it/flqsfk21c8d51.jpg){kind=link}
