What’s Dominic Cummings’ favourite christmas song?

Driving home for christmas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-guille-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Grandma is the dominant pun master in the family. (I’m in Collegeβ€” that’s why she says the first comment)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/henriley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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She seems to be having a field day out there.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fedamasavasol
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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What's the most dominant tool in math?

The ruler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qarasaq
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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And she calls it "This Land"

Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.

Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.

Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.

Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...

Take my glove

Take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care

I'm still three

You can't take this Skye from me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cman_yall
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?

It’s mail-dominated.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SecondRateHack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.

That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...

That was classic Colognialism

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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According to a recent study, it’s really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.

It’s a mail dominated industry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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There are very few female postal workers..

because the post office is Mail dominated...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mike_OxonFaier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Arabs were historically dominant...

They witnessed five victories Andalus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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The first rule of world domination is to always capitalize on your enemies mistakes

ON YOUR ENEMIES MISTAKES

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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I learned to write well with my non-dominant hand
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marisa6674
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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Girls be misunderstanding everything
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devanshi1618
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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From my 10-year-old: Who is the dominant school supply?

The ruler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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The toucan once faced fierce competition in it's ecological niche.

Eventually, though, it came to dominate the toucannot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iep6ooPh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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What do you call a dominating Norse god?

AuTHORitative.

This is loki hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therestlesspanda
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2016
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I flew home for Christmas and decided to bring back a global domination-themed board game. I recognize that it could have been dangerous to bring that game on the plane...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tasty_rogue
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.

I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmoffitt15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
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The Chicken Dominator pizza that Domino's sells in my country is an excellent nickname to give to an S&M dungeon master.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrunicornman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
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I had a job as a postal worker...

where I worked with lots of men, it was a MAIL dominated profession.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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What do you call a male dominatrix?

Domino

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KuraiBaka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Eating indian food with some family

me looking through the menu: "I don't think I want any of the stuff on this page."

dad: "So you want naan of the above?"

me: "Ppbtch."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cubiekart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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Okay, I just learned there's a scientific term for sneezing.

Autosomal-dominant Compelling Helio Ophthalmic Outburst.

In short, ACHOO.

i want my money back

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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A Punnet Square...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenishcrayon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2013
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Got my girlfriend's family pretty well...

"There are samosas in the kitchen for you both"

My reply: "What're Osas?"

Her Dad's reply: "When are you leaving again?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mpdehnel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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A husband and wife architect team were planning their next project . . .

The domineering wife thought the house needed a cantilevered balcony while the husband thought that it would ruin the aesthetic of the design. She told him he was an idiot and to keep his mouth shut. His friends hated to see her treat him so badly.
They always said β€œWhy cantilever?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Read this on r/bdsmadvice

If you and your findom (financial dominant) get engaged... Are they now your financΓ©?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gajakunne
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
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Its crazy how sexist the post office is.

Guess thats natural though in a mail dominated industry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/couchblaster
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
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My dad at basketball games

We were at a basketball game where our team was taking on the University of Niagara. Our team was dominating and my dad leans over and goes.

"I wonder if we would have played Viagra instead of Niagara the competition would have been a little stiffer."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kweb1023
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2013
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My jokes are so cheesy. If I was in the Olympics...

I'd dominate at the 100m curdles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spanks_Hippos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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Dad Joked my wife

At my son's soccer practice, I noticed that one kid was kicking the ball with his left foot. (That's hard to learn for right handed/right leg dominant kids). his mom piped up and told me the kid was ambidextrous. I looked at my wife and said "or is he ambifootstrous?"

She groaned, but the other mom laughed. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTigerFan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2014
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My dad while watching the tennis

Me: Wow, Novak is really dominating Roger here.

Dad: Yes, if he wins it'll truly be a Federer in his cap.

Me: ....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luklaus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Some say the post office is a very mail dominated workplace...

..But if a woman wants to work there i say letter.

πŸ‘︎ 406
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gronnybons
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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