Dinner for One Puns

It was a we'll needed break. I'd been busy shopping all day. We had been stocking the cupboards with tins, ketchup, mayo, mustard etc. So me and my lovely wife were gunna have some grub and a drink before cosying down for the night.

After my food arrived I asked for some ketchup. But they didn't have any. They didn't have chance to stock up today and have run out of all their sauces. And this food needed something to mask the actual taste. So I quickly nipped back home and grabbed all of my selection, just in case the Mrs ended up wanting something different. She usually does

While I was eating there were a few complaints and people walking out because of the situation.

The man in the kitchen looked stressed and about to burst into tears. So I called over the waitres and handed over my sauce selection and said " my condiments to the chef"

The wife said, but dear, that'll be pasta time to eat it.

“No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

I consider that a morel victory.

Gnatchos.

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

We and so

My wife and daughter always try to challenge me with dad jokes, and I almost always know them all. Today I had the following exchange:

Daughter: did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

Me: yes, 11+11 is twenty, too.

Daughter: how on earth do all dads know these jokes?

Me: we keep them in a dad-a-base!

Daughter: I hate you.

I thought it was hilarious. I love a running gag!

Wow, I’m really dating myself.

One said, “your lookin at it!!” 💀

I don't have thyme for this

I told them it was fine, because I caught the fish in a lake.

Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?"

Him: "Eat, lol. You?"

It was a terrible punch line.

Daughter: Something smells around here

Me: Yeah, it's your nose.

Made french toast for dinner and gave my husband his plate.

Him: "Yum, flapjacks!"

Me: "Nope, they're flap-jacques" :)

We went out to eat at a Cuban place and my mother had ordered some food with a side of tostones (a plantain dish). She complained that they had too much garlic to which I made a joke:

"Yeah, as soon as you bit into it, you tatsed the garlic and were like , '¡Ajo!'"

(¡Ajo! is a Spanish exclamatory similar to "ooooooh" or "oh my goodnes." It doesn't have a direct English equivalent but that's what it means. The Spanish word for garlic also happens to be ajo, so I made a pun playing off the dual meaning of the word. Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. )

We were talking about ironic costumes to wear while skydiving. I wanted to dress up as a penguin since they are flightless and my cousin decided he wanted to be a toucan.

Cousin: "I'm pretty sure toucan's can't fly..." --googles it-- "Oh, apparently they can."

Uncle: "Well there's a reason they don't call it a toucan't!"

I just subscribed to dadjokes and I absolutely love it. Probably because i have the same sense of humor. Anyway here is what happened last night as I was home visiting for dinner.

My mom has spent all day preparing a glorious meal of shredded barbeque chicken, spanish rice, and corn bread (the kind of home cooked meal you just don't get in college). One of my moms absolute favorite things is cornbread and honey. so while we were sitting at the table waiting for her to get her plate she set my dad up for his moment of glory. "Is my honey on the table already?" I saw the look in his eyes he knew he had her! "No sweety I'm in my chair. I haven't had enough to drink to get on the table yet!" I laughed high fived my dad while my mom and my sister rolled their eyes.

"I've never quite warmed up to iced coffee"