A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They were all arrested for third-degree murder.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my SO's dad at commencement

After the commencement ceremony was over, we walk out and I say,

Me: "Man, it was getting toasty in there!"

SO's Dad: "What? That stadium was freezing! "

Me: "I thought it was hot! There must have been 500 degrees in there!"

I got headshakes from her sister and her mom, and a "Hey! I'm totally using that!" from her dad. I think I'm in!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterWins
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
It shall commence on 4/20
πŸ‘︎ 36k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justlooking250
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Lettuce commence on the refrigerator puns!
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slightly_lisdexic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
COMMENCE EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the shovel tell the concrete?

The real jokes are in the cement.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lurens_b
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife groaned hard over this one

Right after a large chicken dinner, my wife and I were sitting on the couch letting everything digest. A little flirting commenced, but we knew it wasn't going anywhere immediately b/c we were stuffed.

Wife: maybe a little later. Me: oh, is there a 2 hour wait between chicken and pork?

The groan was deafening. I regret nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 665
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hiro24
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report
An exchange between my pregnant wife and I.

Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.

Me: Your belly.

Wife: That's apparent.

Me: No you're apparent.

Commence with the sighs.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gotelc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the vegan cannibal?

He only eats "vegetables."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinJamm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad shared one of his jokes

I was talking to my dad and he has this one joke he loves to tell. He told me to share it on that β€œinternet thing”

β€œWhat’s the fastest liquid on earth?”

β€œMilk. It’s pasteurized before you even see it.”

Commence groaning.

There has been quite a few that don’t quite get it.

Enjoy!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plasma78
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I was sitting in my dad's recliner when he came home.

He says to my mom "Honey, did rocky(our dog) crap in my chair?" " WHAT?! No. Why?" " because there's a turd in it"

Commence 15 minutes of laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 235
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jabman96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
One of my dad's favorite jokes when I was younger...

Dad: You know which city always shocks me?

Me: I don't know, which?

Dad: ELECTRI-city!

Commence groaning

Dad: Hey, do you know which city is always moving?

Me: Which one?

Dad: VELO-city!

Groaning intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oniondasher
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
🚨︎ report
Proud dad

Driving my daughter to school this morning, we passed a company with a big sign that said Plus Consulting. I said, "I wonder why they don't consult on minuses." My daughter said, "because they're too negative." Hearty dad laughing commenced and she beamed with pride.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Davy_Dee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad got my brother

Brother: Im such a huge fan of The Walking Dead.

Dad: Really? You look normal sized to me (cackling commences).

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rabidwombats96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Boyfriend dad joked me at the park

I was sitting on a log and he was just sort of standing there next to me.

I said 'hey, what are you doing standing there? Why don't you sit down?'

He replied 'I guess I'm just a stand up guy'.

Lots of sighing commenced on my part (and stifled laughter, admittedly)

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tamatron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was complaining that her underwear kept giving her a wedgie

I told her "I guess that thong isn't really fun-to-wear then." Commence that eye roll and head shake.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notFBI__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
🚨︎ report
No escape from dad jokes, even at the aquarium

I took my fiancΓ©e to the sea life centre this afternoon. In the walk-through tunnel under the aquarium, she spotted a fish which had a large wound on its side which looked quite nasty.

"I wonder what happened to it" she asked.

"Maybe it fell off its motor-pike" I replied.

Eye rolling commenced.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/carl0071
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about King Louis XIV.

We were talking about how he had to have things a certain way to distract people so they wouldn't rise against him.

Her: "He was really strict about things being a certain way. He was an anal freak."

Me: "I believe that was his brother."

Commence the biggest eye-roll you've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benjadock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
🚨︎ report
FiancΓ© said I look hot in black...

I replied by saying thats because black absorbs the most heat.

Eye rolling commenced.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hiphophead92
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My 100 year old Great Grandfather told me this one... It's from another time.

Imagine a Maine accent, as a kid on a farm in 1924.

> As kids, they walked up to their mother and ask
"Mom, Is pig's sold?"
Their mother yells at them to correct their grammar.
"PIGS ARE SOLD!"

Commence giggling and running away as their mother realizes what they tricked her into saying.

(The joke is to say the mothers line quickly and drop the "D" like 'ole time Mainers do)
I'll never forget this joke. It's the only one he ever told me.

What was funny in the 1920's is completely different I guess.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorMog
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes my mother today

So my mum has a friend who's name is Iris and my mum was talking about how Iris forgot to buy tickets for something, of which i follow up with: well that's very iris-ponsible of her, groaning commenced

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tom555
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
A corny joke

Daughter: Wow, those are some big ears of corn.

Me: The better to hear you with, my dear.

Commence eyeroll.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Djerrid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Waking up this morning...

I woke up and my wife was getting ready in the bathroom. She came back to bed and snuggled into me and all I could smell was hair spray.

I said, "That hair spray is a little intense."

She retorted, "You're intense!"

I replied, "Actually I'm in a bed."

*commence eye rolling *

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thefountain88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend offers a no bake cookie he made

Friend: Does anyone want a no bake cookie?

Me: Sure (eats cookie).

Friend: How do they taste?

Me: Ehh... They seem a little undercooked.

Commence groans.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fauxhawkism
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Told my dad why I didn't get much sleep...

Me: I couldn't get to sleep for ages because there was a beetle in my room that kept flying at me.

Dad: Was it John, Paul, George or Ringo?

Me: Oh jesus christ...

Commence him laughing heartily.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsHaveBeanToes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Went to buy myself a Trumpet

After trying a lot of trumpets, I asked if they had any light trumpets, they came back with this. Commence epic laughter from the salesman.. Sigh...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jorisimoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
🚨︎ report
My friend is a dad-in-training

Him: "Hey have you heard of that movie Constipated?"

Me: "No...?"

Him: "That's because... it hasn't come out yet!"

Groans commenced while he burst out laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uldyr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
🚨︎ report
My brother is studying Italian. He said he had a dream in Italian the night before and it was cool. Our Dads response?

"I cannoli imagine."

AND commence the groans...

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chewychew
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Midcrew Misfits

I'm in the Navy, currently deployed. Happened while standing watch in the middle of the night. The food they serve at night isn't always warm...

Fellow Sailor: "Man, that food was chilly" Me: "I don't know, tasted like roast beef to me"

Commence groaning...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGreat_DmfB
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joke from my law professor today

We were discussing Wong Sun v. U.s., and the defendants in that case included memorable names such as Johnny Yee, Hom Way, and Wong Son. After an inspired lecture, the professor concluded with

Professor: So let this be a lesson to you all, if you're in engaged in crime... you'll be putting yourself in Hom's Way

*commence class wide groan

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Pizza_Puncher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked on Mothers Day

Rang my mum up to wish her a Happy Mothers Day and Dad said he wanted to talk to me also. He opens with "Happy Son Day, get it Sunday haha". Commence the groaning...

Happy Mothers Day all!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tom0373
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Philosophically dad-joked my Mom today

My niece (3) was showing us all of her toys, one of which was toy a cupcake tin. The joking commenced. Mom: Oh wow that's really cool, you could make some neat cupcakes with this.

Me: Yeah its really awesome.

Mom: Just put some play doh (Plato) in here and you're all set.

Me: What if you put some Aristotle in there?

Mom: typical eye roll and mom groan

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nickiecz
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
🚨︎ report
I just got dad joked by my buddy...

My dog, a beagle, was trying to get comfortable in my chair.

I said to the dog: "dammit Blue you're bugging the hell out of me."

My buddy: "Would you say he is hounding ya?"

Commence groan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/glcorps2814
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Every Time My Dad Meets a New Kid

Dad: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Kid: I don't know. Tell me.

Dad: I'll tell you later.

Kid: Come on, tell me, please!

Dad: Hahahaha

He then commences to bask in his own wit.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OuterSpacewaysInc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
I was watching How It's Made with my Dad when...

they were making rubber on the show. He said "I really wonder how rubber trees have survived evolution! It's gotta be really hard to procreate!"

Commence face-palming.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MorningKnight
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
🚨︎ report
This morning at work

I have been avoiding the coffee at work as it has the same pH as battery acid and has been bugging my stomach. As such, I've been making tea as a pick-me-up in the morning. I was in the break room making my morning tea while a coworker was making some coffee.

Coworker: "So no coffee today?"

Me: "Nope. It's not really my cup of tea anymore. As opposed to this cup of tea, which is my cup of tea."

Commence groaning.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcconnox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend pretty good after making cookies

Me: The cookies in the back got a little bit too crispy, I forgot to convect.

Her: Mmmm... Convection.

Me: You have no idea what convection is, do you?

Her: No, it's the thing with the fans in the oven.

Me: Yeah I had to put them in there, they kept asking for free t-shirts.

Commences groaning

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleJehmimah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
🚨︎ report
I got both my parents with one today!

We were out in their patio, and my dad points to a small stray tomato plant, that somehow sprouted up a few feet from the large group of tomato plants they have.

Dad: "What should we do about that volunteer tomato plant?" Me: "Maybe you should start paying it!"

Commence my laughter, and my dad groaning, and my mom ignoring me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaitlinsRoses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my son at dinner

My daughter was handing out fake money that she made. My son asked for 100 bucks. I said, "what are you going to do with 100 deer?" It took him a second, then the eye rolling commenced.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elevatorlovin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Grandad returns...

I was attempting to order a pizza online, and the website repeatedly told me my address was wrong, when it wasn't. I said 'I'm really losing my patience.'

que grandad...

'That's what hospitals do! hahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahah'

commence groans

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrRagingMammoth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joked bf during a manicure

Me: (putting clay mask on hands) If you gotta do anything with your phone, do it now with your left hand!

Bf: That's my texting hand, you started on the wrong hand.

Me: No. I started on the RIGHT hand.

-groans commence-

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_believe_it
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoking my girlfriend while she spins fiber into yarn.

Girlfriend sits down at spinning wheel to spin fiber into yarn.

"I think I'm going to spin for a while."

"Don't get dizzy."

commence groaning

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gehalgod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2014
🚨︎ report
COMMENCING EMERGENCY TOOL IDENTIFICATION PROTOCOL

THIS IS NOT A DRILL

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.