A Lot
They take a poll...
... probable caws.
FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!
http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/2v6t3y/wp_humanity_has_developed_a_hypersensitivity_to/
We must write a wrong.
My Mom (yelled from another room in the house directed at my brother): Are you studying, Bob?
Me (Yelling back): Why would I study bob?
My whole family groaned from various rooms.
I was eating lunch with my two friends and one of their dads today. The dad picks up a french fry from his plate and announces to the table:
"I can turn this fry into a dragon."
The entire table knew something groan-inducing was about to transpire.
(Holds the fry up and shows the table) "See, it's a fry now."
(Starts rubbing the fry against the table top) "And now it's a draggin'."
Faces leapt into palms and collective groaning was had.
Help wanted from r/puns!
I am planning to make my girlfriend a picture calendar for 2015 of some dog/ cat based puns of famous dictators. I'm running short of ideas, and so am turning to Reddit, given their penchant for all things pets and puns.
My ideas so far:
Adolf Kitler
Chairman miaow
Kitty Amin
Ho chi(huahua) Min
Robert Pugabi
Colonel Catdafi
Saddam Hussaint Bernard
Benito Pussolini
Fidel Catstro
I'm looking to Reddit's collective pun power to generate some more ideas. Help me punslingers!
Of course she denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
He figured he needed antibodies
One time I took a bunch of them with me to Abu Dhabi and while most of them were fine one behaved very weirdly, splitting and separating like it was in the humid air of the tropics. Very strange. I even wrote a letter about it to a listings magazine, which began:
"What's On, I commend to your attention the curious incident of the POG in the dry clime."
A skillet-ton
He polished them.
Mark my words!
But I am never gonna give you Up
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar
It requires a lot of monet.
I tell them it is for the shear fun of it
It was a cents-less crime.
It's like she doesn't understand the sedimental value!
They were all in mint condition
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
I was raking it in.
Because he’s never gonna give you “Up.”
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
I think they're a bit shellf conchess
Gneiss
Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.
- What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
- Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
- These puns aren't very eggciting.
- lettuce taco bout it?
- I will asalt you with puns!
- What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
- What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
- Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
- I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
- You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
- Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
- What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
- What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
- How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!
I'm sorry for the cringe...
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ..... and ... paper always beats rock
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
It was a slick performance.
It was quite a Marvel.
I'm rial-ly developing a respectable collection, lemme tell ya!
Chickens... All of them have at least one buck.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
the one of the president of the united states is definitely my trump card
Everyone kept telling him he needed to "pare it down"
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
It’s just collecting dust
My wife insists I need to find a hobby that’s not soda pressing
A meme away. A meme away.
They just take the money and run.
I'm pretty good at time-keeping
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
How to get away with murder.
He had a vice vise vice.
It helped him put the squeeze on suspects.
But that'd just be a huge boar-fest.
When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.
The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions “so what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...
“Actually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”
I mean, he has no common cents.
Then I stopped collecting them
I'm an ex tractor fan
He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
I responded, "It's none of your bee's knees."
He had a lot of time on his hands
Or should I spread them apart
It was just collecting dust anyway.
The results were exactly what I expected.
What a milestone!
... because it was a Bee movie.
He was consumed by his own pride
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
It's a web-cite.
When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans
because he's Morgoth
They just take the money and run.
Two out of three ain't Bad
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
She says it lacks common cents
They were all in mint condition
He’s never gonna give you Up.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
The judge asks her, "First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
He's never gonna give you Up
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
but he’s never gonna give you Up.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns...
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
She says it's not true, but I'm sticking to my guns!
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
He’s never gonna give you Up
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
