What do you call 2 Ford cars that crashed into each other?

A Ford Fusion!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleB1035
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CodyClay1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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A revolutionary new way of cutting carbon emissions, shortcuts under hills that can only be used by cars with more than 2 occupants

I call it Carpool Tunnel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raymonator88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I paid a car dealership a monthly fee to drive a car for 2 years then after that I would return the car to the dealer...

It was the leased of my worries.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
2 Friends named Ryan and Dave were fixing up a car. They’re Country-Geeks by day, and Racers by night.

Ryan: Are you Finnished yet?

Dave: No, but you bet I’m Russian to fix it! Israelly confusing. Kenya help me out?

R: Sure.

Car makes weird sound

R: Guatemala with the car?

D: I’m Czeching it out, and it seems like something’s wrong with a piston or two. You got any ideas, because Iran out. What a Spain. Oh well, let’s put some elbow Greece and try to finish it by tonight.

R: I hope so. Damn, tonight is a Chile one.

D: Yep, and it’s definitely China distract me.

R: I’m kinda Hungary, I want Togo buy a sandwich or two.

Later

R: Oman, it’s already 9 Pm, there’s Norway that we can fix it by tonight.

D: That’s what we are Guinea find out.

R: I will Taiwan more way to speed things up, but it’s pretty risky.

D: Well, we somehow Ghana find out. 10:30 Pm

R: Ok, Tur the Key!

Car turns on

D: Yes! The Caribb is ean! Uganda be kidding me! I can’t Bolivia did it!

R: Hey, I can’t Belize it either!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnThePekka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...

They arrest him for waving a fire arm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormtrooper-85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
1. Blue plastic bucket for watering, car-washing, etc. 2. Red plastic bucket for mopping floors, cleanup from painting, plumbing disasters. 3. Green metal pail for compostable table scraps.

...and that's my Bucket List.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My 2,5 yo daughter got my wife in the car

We just picked up our daughter from daycare. My daughter (Abby) is in the back seat yawning.

Wife: "Honey, are you tired?" Daughter: "No, I'm Abby."

Never been more proud of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShortTemperedGeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
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This has been in my dad's car for the last 2 years..

http://i.imgur.com/OMIczTX.jpg It's hard to see in the picture but the sun has changed the color of parts of the card.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CurlingPornAddict
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm a relatively new dad. My 2 year old daughter was eating a banana in the car. From the back seat, she started to hand me sections of the banana peel when I blurted this out:

"Don't do that, you'll hurt his peelings!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/super_dork
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
What's a pirates favorite toy to play with?

His arr-sea car

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrpn17w
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.

Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."

Mee: "You are not coming in."

Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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Proud Dad Moment

Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said β€œI guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁

Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisgoggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car

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πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate it when islam

the car door on my finger

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pinchonthebum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Proud dad moment happened today!

My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said β€œthat’s a nice car huh?” And he replies β€œwhat car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakedDoeBoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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My mechanic is 87 years old and he still works 40 hours a week.

Whenever he says "I'm ready to retire," his boss puts him right back to work on another car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is Greta Thornburg like an island off the east African coast?

She’s Mad at gas cars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ktbrown1
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop," Where's your passenger?"

Me, "Due to Social Distancing, he's in the car right behind me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A jar?

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boomer2160
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my mechanic why he was dressed as a female fox.

He said he was just vixen my car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about those two ocean liners that collided?

One was carring red paint, and the other one was carrying blue paint.

Reports are saying that both crews have been marooned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EphemeralDawn661
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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What’s Elon Musk’s Favorite Movie?

Mad-at-gas-car

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebrow9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
The very first self-driving vehicle was invented by the Amish in the 1700's...

..the horse was great, the car was a little buggy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I just released my own fragrance.

Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glorbog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she was going to run to the store

I said β€œyou dont have to, you can take the car!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikg1116
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Confusius says:

Man runs after a car; he gets exhausted. Man runs in front of car; he gets tired.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZenMasterG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Which African country is TESLA founder Elon Musk from?

Mad-at-gas-car, obviously.

(It just came to me and I had to share it. I'm so sorry)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/painfool
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I just made this TERRIBLE joke today

What do you call a car that sleeps randomly during the day?

A Carcoleptic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anahtum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Parking a single car doesn't need much space...

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I took a crash course on driving

And yet they blame me for the car accident

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoesMemories
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Ole and Lena were driving home from town when Ole hit a momma skunk and managed to miss her 3 babies.

Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get hit by a car. I bet you didn’t see that one coming!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that most beetles are insects?

The rest of them are cars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldStig101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Cars 1 β€œradiator springs” car pun

How the heck did it take me 13 years (watched it in 2008) for me to get that (probably a double) car pun. β€œRadiator springs”, cuz Car radiators. Correct me if I’m wrong.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrandiBlitz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do people in Africa only use electric cars?

Because they’re Mad-at-gas-cars

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FizzyBombaz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Just got my wife in a traffic jam

We’re sat in traffic and the car in front has a β€œwatch for motorbikes” bumper sticker on it.

Me: hmmmm watch for motorbikes Wife: suspicious head turn Me: must be one hell of an expensive watch Wife: sigh

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Confucius say

Man who chase car soon get exhausted

And man who try to outrun car soon get tired

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tito_Tito_1_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?

Robin get in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 410
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I can prove that a person is the opposite of a box

If you are paid to drive a person in your car, you're in the livery business.

If you are paid to drive a box in your car, you're in the delivery business.

Q.E.D.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmdeemer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between someone going to prison and a guy who has a mobile knife sharpening business?

One gets incarcerated, the other is in-car-serrated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
When one door closes another opens

Other than that it's a pretty good car.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimalexp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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It's one thing to own a car, but owning 2 cars...

well, it's two things!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xevetv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she was going to run to the store

I said β€œyou dont have to, you can take the car!”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikg1116
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report

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