Reali-tea....
I hopped to it!
Because his pH was greater than 7.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
We're both bitter and drunk in the mornings.
The decision was a piece of cake.
It was mugged.
I've gotten better.
Is it called emotional black male?....
Because baby bok choy gets all the attention.
So I packed up my stuff and right!
How utterly radicchio-less.
You could say I'm a saw loser.
Which came the reply "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
I just wanna see my sun!
I really hope they "make-up."
Despairagus
It's left me feeling bitter and twisted
Ground up and in the freezer
Fast to wake me up when there’s donuts!
Don't be bitter about dank puns. Danke. Bitte.
I’ve never had coffee but it smells nice.
We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency. Once I got a good mix she said
"That's better"
I look up and say
"No, that's batter"
She hit me.
You're bitter, but I like you.
(credit to my coworker who is a walking, talking dad joke)
It became bitter.
It was a party mostly with parents and their children.
A kid (about 5 years old) stubbed his toe and started crying.
One of the dads said, “Oh, you stubbed your toe? Want to to call the toe truck?”
I know it’s not fresh, but I laughed my ass off and was slightly bitter that I didn’t think of it.
Says to the landlord "A pint of bitter please". Gets his beer & says "I shouldn't be having this with wot I've got". Landlord says "wots that then?" Man says "15p"!
But I don’t like the bitter taste of de-feet
Fangst.
I haven't slept since last year and I'm EXHAUSTED!
My folks came up to visit. My mom flubbed the coffee, putting the grounds in the water chamber and she had to disassemble it and clean it before making coffee. Once we had piping hot cups all around my dad chimes in with this:
"You know, messing up the coffee is grounds for divorce."
Some might call it old fashioned but I enjoy my bourbon with a dash of bitters and a sugar cube
The Lemon was very bitter.
I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.
I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.
Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.
I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.
By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...
My wife and I were driving through town when we passed a store named Mr Barbeque. I told her that it's a good store, but Mrs Barbeque claims all the credit.
After she grumbled for a while, we passed another store just a few blocks away, called Miss Chocolate. I explained that this was Mrs Barbeque's maiden name, she opened it up after she left Mr Barbeque. It was a very bitter divorce, she lost all the sugar in the settlement.
So tonight at the dinner table my mother wanted to explain how she made the salad.
So she begins with: "first i chopped some salat just to begin the salat, and I added some apple and lime to give it some bitterness. I also chopped some hazelnuts to give the salat umami" (to those who don't know what umami is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami)
Then my dad interrupted and said: "If I had made that salat, i would have used walnuts instead. I prefer the taste og upapi.
The he laughed in a way, only a dad can do.
Dad: Pour me a cup of coffee while you're up?
Me: Sure, dad. How do you like it?
Dad: Like my women. Bitter.
Me (biting into an apple): Wow this apple is really bitter.
Dad: It must have had a bad experience.
Death stare
She was a little bitter because I had a cocktail and she can't because she's pregnant. She asked me what it was.
Me: "It's bourbon, ginger beer and lime. It's called a Kentucky Mule."
Her: "Does it taste like ASS?!?!?"
It was the end of class. Before dismissing us, he informs us that we won't be having class the next day and will instead be going to the gymnasium for an assembly. When the bell rang, as everyone was leaving class, I went to his desk and asked what the assembly was supposed to be about. His Response:
"I'm just a mushroom." ...awkward pause, stare... "I live in the dark and people drop crap on me."
I wasn't really sure how to react to that. With a confused look on my face, I just turned around and walked out the door. I'm still not sure if that was a dad joke or the musings of a bitter old man. Maybe both. I don't know, it just seems like it belongs here, if only for the sheer awkwardness of it.
Without a penis.
