Is my friend good enough for the big leagues (for puns)?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misspygmy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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When God was handing out brains

I thought he said trains and I missed mine

When he was handing out noses

I thought he said roses so I asked for a big red one

and he gave it me too

When he was handing out willies

I thought he said chillies

So I asked for a small hot one

Please add more below.......................

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Every year at work they make us do a Sexual Harassment training, and I don't see what the big deal is...

Harassment nothing to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChesterDrawls
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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CJ's teacher wondered why he didn't perform very well in the PEs test.

After all, all he had to do was to follow the damn train!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gustavo6046
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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A dadjoke that made my whole family go "ungghh"

About two weeks ago, my family was heading home from dinner and we came to a train track. We crossed it and my dad goes "That was close, a train just passed through here." None of us could see one so I asked how he knew. He got a big grin on his face and said "It left its tracks!"

I actually enjoyed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pajamajones
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
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A jewelry appraiser's commute

My fiancΓ©e asked the appraiser if he took the train into work and he said "no way, the train takes me. I'd have to eat a whole bunch of Wheaties before I could haul something that big."

He also had three daughters. A diamond dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colinmacus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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Came up with the BEST dad joke at work today.

Okay, this is my first time posting to this sub. :) I work at a kid's play center, and with the big Frozen craze going on lately, we have about five Frozen themed birthday parties a day.

We had a Frozen birthday party a few days ago where someone brought in their own balloons, and one of which has Elsa on one side of the balloon with Anna on the other side. We have a new girl that I was training at work, and she pointed out the balloon today and asked, "Wow, how did that get there?"

With the biggest grin on my face, I proudly said, "I guess someone just accidentally... Let it go."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplywhitney
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
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