I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 10 2021
New father here.
Our newborn was sleeping on my chest yesterday. She woke up crying. "Woke up on the wrong side of the dad huh?" I said. She stopped crying.... Felt good.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jun 11 2021
News just in: In a freak accident today, a man was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jun 09 2021
My new password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.
Because it said my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one capital.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 23 2021
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
π︎ 876
π
︎ May 01 2021
Just received some sad news that an old friend of mine has passed away, apparently he died from heartburn...
... I still can't believe Gav is gone.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
BREAKING NEWS: A man has learned how to do origami backwards!
More on this story as it unfolds
π︎ 379
π
︎ May 19 2021
A doctor says to his patient, "I've got some bad news..."
"You have cancer and alzheimer's," the doctor finished.
The man sighed and said, "Well, at least it isn't cancer."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 24 2021
Shocking news:
π︎ 499
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
π︎ 597
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
I've ordered some German food online
The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 03 2021
All day I've been selling dead canaries online, and i can tell you...
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 16 2021
How do I look for Eye brow treatments online?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.
It's called,Cash in the Addict.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
How do trees get online?
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 24 2021
I got in trouble for inappropriately referencing an online encyclopedia...
Talk about a wiki situation
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
π︎ 397
π
︎ Jul 01 2021
I came from the psychiatrist and I have good and bad news
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 26 2021
Did you see the news about the new virus infecting people ears ?
Experts believe best defense to be heard immunity
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.
Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
Breaking news regarding the notorious abuser of a certain Irish novelist.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
My friend said that he was going to try online dating.
I said, "I didn't have much luck with it, personally."
"But that's where we met," said my girlfriend.
I said, "Exactly."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 21 2021
News just in: In a terrible accident at the NestlΓ© factory today, a crate of chocolate fell from height trapping an employee.
Every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me", his co-workers cheered.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 13 2021
How do you fight someone online?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
Breaking news: Scientists have developed a soundtrack that boosts mental well being and improves immune response to Coronavirus
If approved by the FDA, it will greatly enhance heard immunity.
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 29 2021
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
My PokΓ©mon go password was published online
Now I gotta catch the mole
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 23 2021
What's the worst thing about online classes?
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 31 2021
I changed all my online passwords to kenny.
Now I have Kenny Loggins.
π︎ 66
π
︎ May 07 2021
Good news Scientist have found 1 food that is guaranteed to drop a womanβs sex drive by 50-75%.
Itβs called Wedding cake
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
Iβm making a new documentary series on how to fly an airplane
We are currently filming the pilot
π︎ 537
π
︎ Jun 05 2021
NEWS FLASH! The toilet has been stolen from the local police station.
Police say they've got nothing to go on.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 26 2021
Dad to Son: "Have you heard about the new online game that's just been released that's heaps popular and getting a lot of press?
Son: "What's it called?"
Dad: "Month."
Son: "Huh?"
Dad: "Apparently it's twice as good as Fortnite".
π︎ 74
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
I drunkenly canceled a return for my online purchases
I didnβt remember that, but itβs all coming back to me now
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 12 2021
Just started an online exaggeration club
It has nearly 3,000,000 members already!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jul 01 2021
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
They have great food but no atmosphere
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
UFO's have been in the news a lot lately but no one seems to care.
Frankly, I think it must be over most people's heads.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 18 2021
On the way to work, I saw the Channel 13 news truck getting towed.
I guess they really wanted that breaking news.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 28 2021
If you guys thought 2020 was over, I have bad news....
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 21 2021
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
Iβm on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
Melinda Gates
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 04 2021
Need a new roof? Let me recommend my sisterβs all female company...
π︎ 515
π
︎ May 30 2021
My sister was complaining her online dating profile only attracted pigs.
She's a real babe magnet.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 21 2021
If Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey, what did Delaware?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 30 2021
Doc told me he has good news and bad news for me. Bad news is my organs are shutting down from my eating only pepperoni, ham & salami.
Good news is, Iβm cured!
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 22 2021
Matthew McConaugheyβs new book is a great read, but he almost didnβt write itβ¦
After some convincing from family and friends he finally said, βIβll write, Iβll write, Iβll write.β
π︎ 86
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
I saw a news report recently about how a certain thick, white, egg based condiment is secretly being manufactured using horse meat.
The FDA says to listen carefully when you open the jar because the tainted mayo neighs.
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 25 2021
How do you stop a rhino from spreading hate online?
You take away his Reddit card.
(I'm assuming some other dad already told you the one about the rhino's credit card 300 times...)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 10 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
