Had ambitions to become a plumber...

...but heard it would be too draining πŸ‘¨β€πŸ”§

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.

I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Minnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Watching Rogue One with my 8 year old on Father’s Day

When Vader is force choking Orson Krennic and says, β€œDon’t choke on your ambitions.”

My son looked at my and said, β€œHa Ha! Dad joke!”

So proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BockBock2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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One day I'll achieve my life's ambition of sticking an Irish cat onto an ice cream

It'll be my Magnum O'Puss.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MartyCrumboid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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My friend wants to move into his parents attic...

He has lofty ambitions.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?

β€œHas your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.

β€œHe wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.

β€œThat’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

β€œNot really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/topsarah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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Darth Vader's dad joke from Rogue One [Spoilers]

While force choking Krennic, Vader says: "Don’t choke on your own ambition”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frogspyer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2016
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